Judgement (John Seed X Deputy OC)

12 - Desire

Pride.Pride.Pride.Pride.Pride.

Rubbing my coccyx, my brain reeled from being so harshly pushed away. The feeling of John's rough handprint stuck to my chest as the rush of his sin coursed through my veins. Was this how it was to be now? My heart ached, longing to catch up to him and hold his body as close as I possibly could.

Lust.Lust.Lust.Lust.Lust.

Despite the hot burning sensations scattering across my delicate skin, I couldn't help but pine for his touch. Getting to my feet, I found myself walking round to the front garden and pausing below the veranda. The curtains that were usually drawn across the glass panels of his door were still open. A warm yellow glow emitted through them framing his now shirtless body. John stood with his back to me, bracing himself on a chair.

LUST.LUST.LUST.LUST.LUST.

Standing strong like a planted tree, my eyes flitted over his form from behind their lenses. His broad shoulders stretched across the glass like a mountainous landscape, each ripple of his muscles sending my stomach into a frenzy. His slicked back dark hair clung to the nape of his neck where I so desperately wished to press my lips. Back wrought with scars, I drifted my gaze down his torso pausing on his waist. My arms fit perfectly in the small indent between his ribs and toned stomach. How long had it been since they'd sat there?

Arms slinking around John's back, a knowing smile spread across his face in the mirror. Flicking the bristles of his toothbrush against his pearly whites he leant down to spit into the sink. My body leant against his own as he bent over, allowing me to catch sight of the foamy froth that gathered by the plug hole slipping down the drain.

'You're being particularly nice to me today.' He remarked, dabbing at the white flecks in his beard with a towel that had seen better days. It wasn't exactly easy to keep things clean when you were living underground. He garnered no response from me. Trying to walk towards the bed, he shuffled awkwardly as I clung onto him from behind. 'Why are you being so clingy?' Dipping his fingers beneath mine he tried to wrench me off of him but to no avail. 'Harlow let go.' John struggled free and turned to look at me. 'What's the matter? You're acting like a needy child.' He placed his hands on my shoulders, thumbs rubbing soft circles against my skin. I couldn't tell him exactly what it was I wanted. I knew I wanted him but the exact reason why was too selfish to utter. I needed a fix of pleasure to ease the guilt that was bearing down on my soul. Rising up, I pressed my mouth to his own and leaned close. Within seconds he pulled away and narrowed those piercing eyes at me. 'Are you sure about this?'

'Can you just let me? Please?' Something stirred within him at my desperate plea, a flash of darkness spreading across his deep blue irises. Gathering me into his arms, John collided his rough kiss into my own. Beard hairs scratching at my soft skin, pure lust overtook him and his fingers dove straight into my hair. This was it. This was what I needed. A pure bout of ecstasy to off-set the pain. Without hesitation, he shoved me backwards into the nearest wall. Teeth connecting harshly with my lip, I could barely catch my breath as he retracted and nipped aggressively at my neck. It felt like a snake was wrapping around my ribcage. No matter how much I tried to expand it to breathe I couldn't stretch it far enough. John's hand still remained wound amongst my tangled locks. Twisting my head around, he forced me to face the wall. Palm connecting to my back he bent me over, tearing off my pants and yanking down his black pyjama bottoms. Within seconds he was inside me, thrusting with a rapid violence. My cheek was crushed against the plaster of the bunker wall as I panted in perfect sync with each of his strokes. One hand digging into my hip, he slammed the other on top of mine against the wall and upped his pace. Each time he ploughed into me deeper, loud aching moans were forced to escape my lungs. Deep grunts of pleasure echoed behind me and I felt his movements become shorter and faster. He was close. I didn't want him to be close. I didn't want this to end. Being dragged out of the moment, all I could feel was John emptying into me and slackening his grip on my hand. I stared into space, lost in the thoughts of what I'd done.

'How could you Rook?' Joey's final lamentation replayed in my head. I'd betrayed her again. And again. And again. Straightening my back, I pressed my forehead to the wall and let out an angry sniff.

'What's the matter?' John's concerned voice washed over me. Turning on the spot, I found he was pulling his bottoms back on. I'd been so caught up in my thoughts I hadn't felt him pull out of me. At the sight of my face his concern only deepened. 'Harlow?' Moving to touch my shoulders, I shoved him away.

'Leave me alone.' A venomous hiss expelled from my lips, my eyes glassing over.

'What? What did I do?' He tried to reach out for me again but I ducked beneath his arm, stalking off towards the bathroom. 'Hey!' He pursued me and I felt my shoulders stiffen like the rising hackles of a wolf.

'Why did you finish?!' I snapped, annoyed at him for stealing away my one refuge from the guilt that riddled my mind.

'Are you serious?' He gave me a bewildered look of confusion. 'I can't exactly control it.'

'Well learn to.' I was being unrealistic. I knew I was. But by God did I need it to last longer. I needed it to last forever. It was my only pain numbing agent down here.

'I'm not talking to you when you're like this.' Sliding a frustrated palm over his features, he turned his back on me and slid into bed.

John switched off the light in his room, pulling me out of the memory. His figure melted away into the black and I had never felt so alone. My fingers outstretched at my side, wishing to feel his skin again. To apologise for all the hurt I'd caused him. He'd become collateral damage in the wake of my unrelenting self-condemnation.

'If you decide to go back on your promises to God then you and I will be taking a trip back to the depths of hell.'

Joseph's threat wafted through my mind and the fanned out fingers balled into a fist. Would he know? Would he know if I ran into that room and threw off my mask?

'Judge?' Lara's tired voice made me jump. Her face was puffy and red. 'What are you still doing awake?' Rubbing her sleeve under her nose, she slipped her hand into my own. 'C'mon, let's get some rest.' Dragging me away, I cast a final glance at John's door. I had never felt so close to him yet so distant at the same time.