Don't say that you love me

To The Sea

Lindsey continued banging on the door and Mick opened it and watched as Lindsey bolted in "Where the fuck is she?" He bellowed in panic after hearing a car speed off and he was worried she had already left, he knew the sound of her car too well.

"She just left, what's going on!" Mick exclaimed still confused about the whole ordeal.

"You let her drive off in that fucking state she was in, you idiot, she could fucking crash that damn car!" Lindsey snapped annoyed with Mick's dazed expression.

"As if I could stop her, what have you done now to her anyway, wrote another song about her shacking up have you and expect her to be ok with it?" Mick remarked.

"Fuck off and worry about shit!" Lindsey replied "I know you want my girlfriend and you have since day one, you want her more than your own wife, everyone wants Stevie!" Lindsey ranted. 

"Well maybe I would treat Stevie better than you can!" Mick snapped back "I hate seeing her upset all the time, quit playing around with her feelings, you flaunt and even use poor Carol, then keep Stevie on the side, it's cruel, she deserves better, all three of you do, its just a viscious circle, is it going to be like this for another twenty years?!" 

"I'm going to find her!" Lindsey sighed heavily shaking his head at Mick, even though he knew he was right, Lindsey hated the whole situation too "I did fucking make it clear though Mick, Stevie dumped me, did you think I would do a fucking dance about being humiliated, of course I was angry and acted like an asshole, I love her more than anything and now she wont even talk to me and listen about this latest fuck up, we were back together and now Carol is knocked up, claiming it is mine and I don't want it with her, she is too naïve to be a mother, she already tossed one kid away!"

"Fuck!" Mick sighed, feeling sorry for Lindsey and the women involved "If Carol doesn't want the kid, why don't you and Stevie adopt it!" Mick shrugged.

Lindsey shook his head "I cant even suggest that, I just hope Stevie hasn't even heard yet, in case Carol is wrong or gets rid of it!" 

"I think Stevie heard, I think she needs time, who knows where she took off too, hopefully she finds Chris and they share a bottle of wine, calm down a bit and cool their tempers!" Mick sighed.

"I need to follow her!" Lindsey exclaimed and fled off, while Mick stood there shaking his head.

Lindsey ended up driving about the city where he knew Stevie usually went but he couldn't find her anywhere, he even checked where she had been staying, but she was nowhere to be found.  He felt so depressed, worried sick for her too, so he found a dingy bar and started just drinking and doing some coke in the bathrooms.  

If he couldn't find Stevie, what could he do?

Stevie ended up driving  fast around the whole city after buying more alcohol from the liquor store.   As the darkness set in, she drove down to the beach, she didn't want to be found, she hated her life, her past and how everything was shattering around her.  Carol Ann was carrying Lindsey's baby, she was tied to him now, not just  fling or a one night stand, a full on commitment and of course Lindsey would go for it.   Stevie felt like she had nothing to offer after her Sara incident she felt even pathetic to judge, she still regretted that so deeply it made her heart actually ache and throb in her chest, feeling like it killed her every single day and nothing would ease that pain, but at least the drugs dulled it.  She soon found her hand in her purse, holding her flask or the cold plastic small bag that she had extra cocaine in, she hadn't used it, hadn't wanted to.   Her fairy-tale with Lindsey was enough of a high  but she knew there was no easy way.   She assumed Lindsey had been over the moon with joy over the baby and that's why he was hugging Carol Ann so fondly.    

Stevie felt like she had not a leg to stand on up against the younger blonde who shared her birthday and her man.  She presumed that letting Lindsey go and be a family man was the best thing possible.   The child was more important but even erratically as it felt, she hated Carol Ann, she was jealous, even though she knew the woman may not have planned it, she was so angry like every time she saw a woman cradling a pregnant stomach, a child or a newborn, it stung and burnt her soul like strong whiskey burnt her throat. 

She could never carry a child probably after her Sara, her being with Lindsey was wrong, he always wanted a family, marriage, the whole shebang but Stevie felt unworthy, like a sinner. She stood up and kicked her boots about in the sand, kicking the stinging substance all about and she walked down dazed to the water's edge, wondering what the point anything was if she didn't have Lindsey.

What was her life now?

She dropped her purse in the sand, hearing the soft noise it made and listening to the water making a hypnotising sound, she stumbled about and fell into the sand as she took her boots off and left them laying in the golden sand that was glistening under the rising moon, she then took of her necklaces, she had never hated herself so much.    She just wanted Lindsey to have the woman and family he deserved and she knew she could never give that to him, she wasn't the innocent California dreaming girl anymore.  She felt like a black widow spider and she felt toxic to everyone around her.

She gently stepped into the water, feeling it rippling around her feet as the shell grit dug gently into her heels, she walked closer in as she watched the tide go out, she thought of the song she wrote about Lindsey 'Crystal' and it stabbed into her like fine china breaking, pieces of a shattered gem and the sea was drawing her in.  She felt euphoric and could walk for miles but there was only one direction she wanted to be walking toward and it was the moon that rose over the sea, she felt as though she had nothing anymore.