Don't say that you love me

I Think I'm In Trouble

Lindsey woke up with a throbbing headache ringing through his mind and he realised some sound of knocking echoing into his ears was clearly the source of his awakening.  He moved slowly and felt the tip of his boot nudge against something. He groaned as he forced his eyes open and then squinted and groaned as the sun seemed to attack his overly sensitive eyes and glanced up, realising he was laid out awkwardly in the backseat of his car.  He blinked several times and saw a figure of a person through the window "What!" He yelled, not wanting to deal with anyone.

"Thought you were dead, are you alright mate?" Asked the voice of a man.

"Yeh, I got drunk and was sleeping it off!" Lindsey grumbled, slowly sitting up and rubbing his aching head.

"Did the Mrs kick you out?" The guy chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks pal but I'm ok!" Lindsey nodded, forcing a nicer tone out, even though it was so hard.  The guys voice was echoing through him like nails on a chalkboard and his hearing felt as glum as trying to walk through water in wellington boots. He wanted to tear his own curly brown hair out, especially when the word "Mrs" made his thoughts instantly dart to Stevie.  She would always be his 'Mrs' his girl, his woman, his Stevie, his Stephanie, his little angel and he felt his heart seem to break all over again as the memories came back to him, hearing the news of Carol Ann being pregnant to him.

He recalled it quick, brief and hazy, but he knew it all again, he didn't want the baby with Carol, he wanted one with Stevie, he knew she wanted it too.  His mind wandered across the night they had made love at the studio, then when they planned their fairy-tale getaway.  Now his illusions of their loving future were shattered and he was drunk and despondent sleeping in a car, God knows where and only woken by some random, probably a surfer from the faint sound of ocean waves washing through his struggling and hungover mind.

He hated Carol Ann in that instance, he wanted to kick the glass window in, just from the pure anger and rage he felt ripple through himself.  He hated himself more and wanted to take it out someone else, blame them for all his own fuck ups, hate them because he hated himself.  He couldn't lash out at himself, he wanted to yell and insult, also blame Carol Ann for it all, but that made him angrier, with himself and he just didn't know how to deal with his emotion.

A woman he didn't love was carrying his child, a child they made, albeit it was made carelessly and as a mistake in his eyes, it still was made from something, even if it was false love.  He felt Carol loved him too much and would do anything to please him even though he mostly knew he had only been with her because she was like a fill in for Stevie, a feeble one but when he was drunk, high or stoned and squinted his eyes, she looked close enough to be a Stevie replica.

 He kind of felt like he was the same way with Stevie though, like he loved her more than words and would do anything to get her back, but all the times he got told 'no' and 'its over' they tore at him and made him angry.  He was angry at being rejected, angry at being told the words no and not getting a chance to prove himself, even though deep down he knew too that he had blown all the endless chances he seemed to get.

He hated himself and felt like it was a dying fly stuck in an empty bottle of vodka, burning, tortured and slowly dying with no way out. That was the way he felt about his love for Stevie, slowly dying because he lost her again, his soulmate, the love of his life. He wished he could do it all again, do it better, be a better man and support her more instead of trying to control her and being paranoid, but it was all out of love. Trying to protect his seemingly naïve Californian sweetheart amongst all the sleazes and cruel ways of the music world, like Don Henley who he now found out had gotten Stevie pregnant and then left her with the tortured feelings of self hate and regret over an abortion.

Lindsey knew he would have been overjoyed if Stevie had been the one telling him that she was pregnant to him now, maybe not when they were younger and on the edge of being broke and homeless, but now at that time, it would have been perfect, a tie that binded them together even more than their already unbreakable love, it would have been magical, he couldn't help wish it had been the way, but as he recalled, Stevie had taken off like a bat out of hell and he felt sick.

Why wouldn't she react like that? She had seem him holding Carol Ann to comfort her after the news of the unexpected pregnancy.  He knew also that Carol didn't want the baby, he didn't either, he knew he would support the woman at whatever she decided but he couldn't be with her, not unless Stevie rejected him yet again and he was sure she would, so what was the point of deciding yet, it was all too up in the air, Carol Ann and maybe his shot at being a father was a good fall-back if Stevie turned him away again and he had a bad feeling that was what would happen. 

He cringed as he thought about Carol Ann sober, she was too nice but played on it so it seemed fake like a sugar syrup that was marketed as natural honey even though it was fake and just as masked mock up of the real product.  

"Hey mate, take the Mrs some flowers and chocolates, works eveyrytime for me!" Suddenly the random guy's voice exclaimed from outside of the car. 

 "Yes, thanks!" Lindsey nodded and gave him a shaky salute motion and the guy seemed to walk off from what Lindsey could see, his vision was still slightly blurred.  He still wondered where the actual fuck Stevie was, surely it wasn't too late, it had only been one night for crying out loud, he should easily be able to try to make amends and explain best he could to Stevie and suddenly he hoped if Carol didn't want the baby like she had claimed she didn't, that him and Stevie could raise it, they had always planned kids once they were financially stable and it could have happened if it weren't for the fame and the cocaine pulling them apart.

He then smiled a little, surely Stevie's feelings couldn't change within one night, there was still hope, there was always hope and he wouldn't stop until he got Stevie back with him.