chasing an illusion - pipabeth

3- thin, white fire

i stand in front of my full length mirror, turning this way and that. i've lost sight of what normal people wear to concerts or wear to see a person they were in love with in highschool six years later.

i don't know what i am expecting to happen, but i know that i don't want to make a fool of myself.

'but aren't i already doing that by going?' i think as i look at my reflection staring back at me.

i'm wearing a pair of jeans i hadn't worn in years. it still fits the same way it used to, yet i feel as though i am not the same as i was the last time i had worn them. it's a strange sight to see.

i felt so adolescent, getting dressed and stressing over what to wear to a concert. i'm wearing a pair of jeans i hadn't worn since maybe college, yet i felt like a highschool student again. i felt like slamming lockers and color coding my history notes. talking about prom and running with the track team. my mind keeps going back to the night. what was i wearing then? a t-shirt and denim shorts. i would have worn something nicer if i had known my heart would get broken.

i don't want to overdress, but i can't bring myself to dress how i did when i was in college. or highschool. my pride won't allow it. i put on my work heels- a one-inch block heel- and a trench coat. i glance at myself in the mirror. i feel like myself again. i put my blonde hair up in a tight ponytail.

i let myself breathe.

this means nothing.

i will return and never put these jeans back on again.

this is temporary.

i won't let this shake me.

i know what is and isn't real.

i close my eyes and think of tall buildings and high arches. i think of a sturdy pillars. some buildings are built to not be moved, to not be shaken.

yet don't all buildings crumble with time?

the night air in new york is chilly still and i pull my coat close to me. it bites my nose and cheeks. my heels click on the sidewalk. the city is noisy. there are sounds of honking and chatter everywhere. my mind struggles to keep up with it all. i hail a taxi and climb in. the sounds outside becomes muffled and i feel relief.

as new york whirls past me in an array of colors, i feel an unsettling in myself. i worry that i will be undone. i play a puzzle game on my phone to distract myself.

soon, i find myself among a crowd, a few rows away from the stage. i gaze up at it, unsure of what to think. the crowd is too loud to think. i only feel unsettled. undone. unsure. un-everything. lights go down. my heart hammers. i look up. she walks on stage. crowd cheers.

her eyes scan the audience and they glaze over me. she doesn't see me, she hasn't noticed. a bright white light is shining on her. i don't think she would be able to.

there is instrumental music. she sings.

i can hardly hear her, there's ringing in my ears. i want to sit down. her voice brings back everything inside of me. my thoughts churn until they are unrecognizable. i can only see her brightened face on the stage. her eyes are placed straight, looking slightly up. as if she were not singing to the crowd, but singing to angels. or to the gods. whatever it is she sees up there. i can see delicate lashes and lips forming each syllable of the words. her voice booms and surrounds us. the crowd holds its breath for the slow part of the song. they've all heard her music before, they are awaiting a drop.

drums hit and she grabs the microphone off the stand and belts lyrics. the notes fly like missiles. she walks up and down the stage. she points the microphone into the audience and they yell lyrics. i don't know what they're saying. i should have done more research. i can only stand, dumb founded, looking up at her. how i used to know her. how she is a different entity up there. how the spotlight makes her look like something otherworldly.

she sings more songs. the crowd responds with energy. i am the only one standing still as if paralyzed.

my heart is in my throat. i'm not sure if it is real. but it has to be.

another songs ends and she pulls out an acoustic guitar that was hiding behind a speaker i had not noticed before. she speaks into the microphone. the breath and cadence of her soft speaking voice sends shocks down my spine. its familiarity seizes me.

"hey, everyone," her earrings, eyes, and lips gleam under the lights. she speaks low and soft. i can hear her breathing through the speakers. she sounds almost the same. i feel my chest ache emptily, the same way it did all those years ago. as if nothing had changed. as if i had never healed.

the crowd cheers in reply.

"the next song i'm playing is about a girl,"

the crowd cheers again. her smile widens.

"a girl back from a summer when i was a teenager. broke her heart and she broke mine. it's called it was never meant to be easy."

my blood pressure is so high right now, it's getting dangerous. my ears are drumming. the sounds of the audience and the people around me seem far away. there is nothing but piper's voice and my own heart hammering. everything is much too warm. i feel as though i am burning up. the crowd cheers and then grows still and quiet. piper eases the guitar strap into a comfortable position. she plays the first chord. the crowd is hushed, anticipating and entranced.

"it's just you and me in a big old world
you and me inside my car
and it sure is big for two lone girls
but way up here, we sure see far

i don't know you at all too well
but i know those words on your lips
in so few words, you tell
a story unfolding beneath my fingertips

and then we kissed,
you and i are blazing brighter than the sun
and the radio can't drown out the songs our souls had sung
and while the world lay asleep, you and i
find peace in chasing dreams that we'll never find
again

i could hear your heart break in your voice
as if i was nothing more than a stranger
i would stay forever if it was my choice
but love is war and war is danger

but when we kissed,
you and i were blazing brighter than the sun
and the radio can't drown out the songs our souls had sung
and while the world lay asleep, you and i
found peace in chasing dreams that we'll never find
again,"

the song ends and the audience cheers after the final chord. piper looks up and smiles a little, as of she had forgotten who she was singing to.

"i never saw the girl again. after i moved to l.a." she says into the microphone. chills run down my spine. does she get this personal with every audience she sings to? she really is someone strange. "it was a dream-like summer night. i was the one who left, but she broke my heart. do you know what she said?"

the crowd is hanging onto every word. i feel a sense of lightness in me. it's as if i'm reliving that night again

"i thought this was real," i say without thinking. it wasn't loud, but with me being near the front and the audience being still, it was enough for heads to turn my way. for her to stop and stare.

her eyes find mine.

a moment of mutual recognition.

my breath is still and my lungs ache.

everything is quiet and still, the illusion of order. yet there is chaos under the skin. hot, thin, white fire.