chasing an illusion - pipabeth

17- a symphony

i'm so excited. piper and i are going to see the new york symphony orchestra live. i'm anxious as we sit in the cab. i grip her hand.

"you like classical music that much, huh?"

"you have no idea," i tell piper. "i grew up on it. my dad always played classical music while he worked. there's just something about it. an organized chaos. a perfect arrangement of noise into music. oh my god, we're here."

piper smiles as i hastily step out of the taxi. she pays the driver and steps out behind me. i grasp her hand and lead her in. we wait in a line outside and i grip piper's hand tightly, grinning. as we near the front, i turn to piper excitedly.

"i've only seen an orchestra live once. i was so young." i tell her.

"well i've never seen one at all."

"it's amazing, you'll see. i can't wait." i can't stop grinning. it feels like being a kid again.

piper smiles. she leans in and kisses me quickly on the lips. the warmth spreads to my face and down my spine. i feel like walking on air.

we get our tickets checked. and as we go to our seats, i tell her, "i met one of your fans on the subway the other day."

her face freezes and a strange blankness falls over her. piper never has a neutral expression. there is always something her face is portraying. it's not so much that she is an open book, but that she has trained herself to control her face in ways to poise herself. but to see blankness on her is startling.

"don't worry, i didn't say anything." i say softer.

she seems to calm and goes back to being herself.

"she just said," i impersonate her. "oh my god i love her! and i said me too."

piper smiles at this. we settle in our seats. the show has yet to start. the lights are still on.

"i don't mean to... like..." piper begins. i place my hand on hers.

"no, i get it." i say. her life is public. people see her and talk about her. i can't expect to be a part of that. of course, it's sad. i want to be her girlfriend. in every aspect of her life. but life isn't about want.

"it's just... my fans are supportive. they really are. but it gets out about you specifically... i just don't want it to affect your life. your career means so much to you. if you're my girlfriend and the media finds out about it, everyone can find out about it. your bosses." piper explains. "it's not that i want to hide you. i just don't want it to affect you. i know it's already hard."

"i know." i say softly. as much as it hurts, it's very sweet.

"being in love is so impractical." piper muses. it's the truth and it's a truth that contradicts everything about me.

"it seems wrong for me to love you." i say.

"it seems wrong for me to love you." she echoes.

"then why do we still do it?" i ask.

"because we have to, annabeth." she says. "who else can we love but eachother?"

and she's right. what seems wrong feels right and what seems right feels wrong. out of billions, i can only love her. and out of billions, she loves me.

"funny how the world works like that." i say, smiling at her and gripping her hand. "i want something and i want something else and it's all so contradictory."

"you love classical music, but you're in love with me who writes love songs with a guitar." piper says. i laugh quietly. "you should've fallen in love with an oboist."

i grin. "trust me, i've tried. he sucked."

piper grins.

the lights dim and we both quiet. my neck cranes to the stage where musicians are walking on with their instruments. my breath is caught in my throat. violins. cellos. everything. all the things i've ever heard during every kiss, every heart ache. right here in front of me.

i turn to piper and she is looking at me, enraptured.

"what?" i whisper. a voice overhead is introducing the symphony orchestra.

she smiles. "nothing."

i turn back to the stage where the musicians are taking their places. they're sitting in perfectly rehearsed and arranged rows. they're flipping through pages of music. they're setting up their instruments. i think of something.

"hey, listen," i whisper to piper. "eventually, i'll be in a position in my career where it won't even matter. where i'm completely comfortable and i'm done climbing. and maybe then we'll be something serious."

piper nods, smiling. "we'll throw a wedding and there can be a violinist." she nods at the stage where the violinists are flipping through their sheet music. "maybe a live band."

"and it won't matter one bit." i say in a hushed voice, almost to myself. a world where nothing truly matters. it feels so far away. "we'll be in charge of our own lives and our own love." and that's all i really want. control over it all. to be able to make it all make sense. to be able to conduct our lives into order.

"and for now we just live and love the best we can." piper says.

"the show is starting soon."

piper kisses my hand and i feel a sense of perfection. as though there is nothing that could possibly hurt me in this moment. everything unravels and re-wraps itself up again. my soul is caught in my throat.

the conductor walks on stage and everyone claps. everyone except piper and i because our hands are still clasped together and we have no plans to let go. he bows to the audience and he turns to the musicians. they all look up at him, waiting.

and the crowd looks to him, waiting.

breath is still in my chest.

he holds everything in his hands and the only thing there is to do is wait.

he raises his hands.

he brings them down.

release of an exhale.

music, music, music.