chasing an illusion - pipabeth

11- war

"oh my god, i'm so tired," i say, yawning. mostly to myself. all my coworkers had left for lunch and i decided to stay behind. i had a lot of thoughts in my head. i didn't want to be around other people.

i get out of my chair. coffee is all that i can think of. i'm not hungry. i head to the coffee shop. the midnight café, in which piper and i sipped coffee the night we reunited. it's open during the day, too.

my mind is in shambles. i can't seem to work or function. everything feels as though shifted. almost like when you are going down stairs and you're expecting another step, but it's just ground. a slightly shifted reality in which it feels like free-fall.

nico is working the day shift, curiously enough and i order my usual coffee and sit down near him.

he asks me about piper, which is uncharacteristic of him. and i tell him. which is uncharacteristic of me.

"she will be the death of me," i tell him and it feels true.

i ask him about his love life and we have a brief conversation about it. he's dating a boy named will. they seem to be happy. and i know nico to an extent. love couldn't have been easy on him. some people make love sound so easy. you like someone and they like you back. and that's love. why is that so difficult for my mind to accept? even nico seems to be getting on better than me.

i come back to the office and go back to work. with caffeine coursing through my body, i am able to bury myself in work- math and numbers. walls and straight lines. things that make sense to me. i go numb. hours go by.

soon, i find myself in front of the mirror again. "this will have to do," i mutter, looking at myself. it's the same old face staring back at me. why do i feel different? i'm wearing the dress piper bought me. do the shoes match? should i wear makeup? what a ridiculous thought. i've never worn makeup voluntarily before.

i go into an uber and listen to four seasons by vivaldi, but i only get to summer and i have already arrived.

"annabeth! you're here!" i see piper in the distance walking towards me through the crowd of people. she grabs my hand as if afraid i'd disappear.

"who're all these people?" i ask.

"you know, directors, editors, manager, just people i work with. and friends i guess." she shrugs. "people like that."

"oh."

"i'll be back." piper whispers in my ear. chills run down my spine. "i have to talk to people."

piper disappears into the crowd. i watch her back as she walks away in her high heels. her music blares overhead and it's like being surrounded by her. a few people talk to me. i tell them i'm piper's old friend. i mention architecture and where i went to college. they nod like they're interested, but i know they're not.

i end up in a corner holding a glass of rosé. i'm the least fashionable at the party and the only one here who isn't here because they work with piper. my mind is fading in and out of the present. half of me is attending the party. the other half is deep in my mind, wondering if i made a wrong turn in my life. wondering why i'm confused and if it's really confusion i feel or denial.

i don't like not knowing myself. i don't like this uncertainty. i like control.

"annie!" i hear someone hiss. shaken from my thoughts, i feel piper's fingers on my arm. her face seems to be glowing. "here's our chance. let's go."

i let her lead me up a flight of stairs and to a secluded balcony. the new york streets makes a chorus of disharmonious sounds of traffic below us. the night is chilly. it's suddenly much quieter. i breathe in the cold air.