chasing an illusion - pipabeth

8- gods destroy

"i can set you up with someone. connor from french class?"

"good try, percy."

"come onnnn! i can even set you up with ladies! rachel's single."

"rachel has a crush on you." i tell him.

"had a crush on me," percy corrected. "you still have a perfectly good shot with her."

"i do not have the time for this. i'm not interested. i have two summer assignments to do and i'm getting a summer job next week." i say.

"that's laaaaame," percy whines. "what about jake?"

"i'm gonna hang up on you if you keep talking about this." i warn him.

"katie?" he suggests.

"percy," i say.

"ooh, what about mark-"

"i'm hanging up now, perce."

"okay, but how about-"

beep!

i collapse on my bed and take a deep breath. it's been two weeks since piper mclean was gone. everything feels different now. i've loved and i've lost. i've never loved and lost like how i did with her. all so quickly. all so suddenly. my environment is all the same as it was before i ever talked to piper. no one knows about it. i could just go on and pretend it never happened. that it never hurt. what else was there to do?

i turn over and grab my summer assignment book. i had a lot of work to do. piper mclean was my one distraction. my one exception. my one mistake.

life goes on without her. and it will. i'll see to it myself.

"you should have told me about piper six years ago." percy said.

"i know. i just- i didn't want it to be a big deal. i wanted it to be nothing so bad. i just wanted to feel normal, you know?" i said. i open my laptop to do some extra work.

"i get it. but you're obviously still caught up on it." percy says.

"says who?" i ask.

"says you- burying yourself in work six years ago. haven't stopped since. haven't moved on. dated anyone new. every date you go on, you don't like them. over small things, too. she's too talkative. he's bad at tying his tie. oh, i don't like him because he plays an oboe. what type of reason is that?" percy explains. "you just don't like any of your dates or anyone we set you up with because they're not her."

"since when have you been psycho-analysing me?" i grumble. i pull up my work emails. "i just don't have time for relationships that i know won't work out. i don't want to waste my time. i have plans. i have a schedule. i have work." and hearing it come from my mouth, i hate it. i'm such a stick in the mud.

"why do you work so much, annabeth?" percy asks as he watches me type away on my laptop.

"for my career," i answer. i start typing slower.

"your career means everything to you, huh?" percy says.

i pause for a second. "yes and no."

"why's that? why does your career matter so much to you?"

i love hard questions on history tests and math tests, but this one has me lost. i think. how vulnerable should i be? as i search my mind for answers, i realize i know less about myself than i thought i did.

"two reasons. the first one is that my work is important to me. architecture is what i love to do. i love to create. i feel as though it was what i was always meant to do. and secondly, sometimes work is the only thing i understand."

percy is quiet. i am too. i've stopped typing altogether. i just stare at the screen because there is nothing left to look at.

"does it make you happy to work?" he asks.

"i don't work to be happy. i work to feel strong. i work because when i've created something worthwhile, i've done something worthwhile, you know? not to be happy."

"...so you're not happy?" percy's voice is sad for me. i don't enjoy being pitied.

"let's talk about something else." i say.

"why do you want to create?"

i sigh and i run my fingers through my hair. "because that's what gods do. people destroy. gods create."

and so much more, of course.

i see something i have made and i see myself projected to the world. i see that people enjoy it. i see a version of myself that people like. i feel that there is purpose for me. i feel as though i'm putting something into the world.

i create myself again. i undo the rest.

"so that's why you don't like having a personal life?" percy says. this is hitting too close to home. "people destroy?"

"i don't know." it feels strange to say those words. percy is quiet again for a few moments.

"gods destroy, too." percy says finally.

"i... yeah, i guess."

"mythology isn't even real. gods are just things people make up. we create them. people are gods. gods are people." he goes on. "you're not a god, annabeth. you're a person. a person who thinks to fucking much."

"why are we talking about this?" i ask, wondering how percy got all introspective on me.

"why don't you let yourself be happy?" he asks.

i don't have a reply. i go quiet.