chasing an illusion - pipabeth

20- to hell

i stagger down the hall to my apartment, as though dragging my own spirit, which seemed to be much heavier than before, behind me. the back in forth fighting in my head ensues, even now as i'm looking at the digits on the doors, dreaming of collapsing on the sofa and watching a history documentary about roman aqueducts until i fall asleep.

i see a crouched figure outside the door to my apartment. as i approach my door, she looks up.

"piper?" i say, my voice sounding unlike me.

"annabeth, finally," she pushes herself up and stands in front of me. "i didn't have a key and-"

before she finishes her sentence i embrace her tightly. i drop my bag on the ground. i try to hold back my frustrated tears. my fingers entangle themselves in her soft hair.

"i waited for you." piper says softly as she holds me.

"you did?" i manage to choke, my voice sounded strangled.

"annabeth, i'm so sorry." piper whispers. "i knew something like this could happen. i'm sorry." she rubs my back in circles. i close my eyes to stop the tears from leaking out. the darkness writhes under my eyelids. it feels like everything i've fought for was slipping under me. and yet, i'm in piper's arms. they fold over me like a blanket of warmth. an embrace of summer. i feel myself melt into her. i can't help it. she smells like honeysuckle and gardenias.

"no, don't be." i say because i did this to myself, if anything.

"did it go bad?" she asked gently.

"i... i don't know." we pull away from the hug. she places her hand on my cheek. "they acted a little different. and you know gossip spreads, but... i tried to act normal. i did my best. i fought."

"i know, annie, you always do."

"why do i have to fight?" i ask bitterly. not even asking her. just asking me. asking anyone. asking god or whatever deity is out there watching me. "why do i have to fight the wars?"

despite my best efforts, my eyes prickle and i feel tears leak out.

"why do i have to fight myself all the fucking time? why is it me fighting me?"

"oh no," piper says, wiping away a tear with her thumb. i put my hand on hers as more tears spilled out.

and despite everything i let out a pathetic chuckle. "i haven't cried since the day after you left." i whisper.

"really?"

"it feels exactly how i remember," i mumble. "only... you're here this time."

"i'm here." she says as words of comfort. "what do you want to do now?"

"watch that documentary on roman aqueducts." i answer without hesitation. "there's ice cream in the freezer, i think."

piper smiles and she looks like herself like she always does. a little bit feral. a little bit mysterious. a little bit far away. completely her. completely beautiful. i can see she's still sorry. as if this is her fault.

whatever sins she thinks she has, they are mine. i took a catechism class once. they said that all unhappiness stemmed from sin. only the sinful go to war.

she picks up my bag and i unlock the door. we sit on the couch and piper finds a blanket. she holds me in her arms and i lean on her chest, swaddled in with a pint of vanilla ice cream. she's watching the show and listening to me babble incoherently about roman architecture and construction. she notices when i grow quiet. she pushes my hair out of my face when it gets in the way.

i watch as the screen shows the rubble and ruins of what once was a great civilization.

"i'm really sorry, piper. i know you're sorry, but i'm more sorry." i say finally. there's no more ice cream in the tub to numb me. "i'm sorry you have to take care of me like this."

piper pushes another strand of hair out of my face. "after everything? it's an honor to take care of someone like you. you would always want to take care of me. you're a fighter."

"i started this war and then dragged you into it."

"you can drag me to hell and i'll never stop caring for you."

"what makes you so sure?"

"i just know it, annabeth. i just do."

and in her arms, i fall asleep.