chasing an illusion - pipabeth

16- a gust of wind

piper mclean is a spirit, a movement, a gust of wind. i see her as everything except a person. she is something else entirely. and as i lie next to her, i try to think of other things.

what work there was to be done on monday.

whether or not i had answered that important email.

the french revolution.

and yet each thought cycles back to her.

it's hard to ignore her as she sleeps soundly, warm against my chest. skin on skin. flesh on flesh. i can feel her lungs rising and falling like the tide. there is something primal and ancient about sleeping this way. clothes discarded. skin on skin. flesh on flesh. it feels strangely natural. as if this was the way we were meant to be and any way otherwise was just temporary. the darkness seems to writhe in the corners of my room where the city lights from my windows cannot reach. i close my eyes and darkness writhes there, too.

it's best i fall asleep. even piper is asleep and i know she usually doesn't sleep well. i feel safe here. sleep while it's safe. awaken when it is not. that is the order of all things.

i drift away.

bzzzzzzzzzzt bzzzzzzzzzzt

what can only be piano composer, chopin, plays loudly next to me. i pry my eyes open. five a.m. alarm again.

but this time, there is an emptiness beside of me. the room feels colder, but just as dark. piper left some time ago. her clothes are gone from the floor. the only evidence of her visit was the mis-shelved book- the illiad placed on the shelf out of order and the wrinkled sheets where she slept. just like smoke. just like a ghost. just like an illusion. i can't decide to be upset or not.

i grab my phone to silence the alarm. there is a text from piper. i squint at the bright screen.

p: sorry i dipped!! i had a brilliant idea for a song and had to go write it out asap!!! i love you xxx

sent at 3:25 a.m.

i smile to myself. just as i had thought. a movement. a gust of wind.

and pulling my comforter aside, i get up. i shiver. the air is cold without clothes on. it's almost as there is wind in the apartment chilling me. in the steely darkness, i pick up my discarded clothes and toss it in the bin and put on new ones. i stalk to the kitchen and brew coffee. i love listening to boiling water drip and watching steam rise. i find the hair tie i had pulled out of my hair yesterday sitting on the kitchen counter. i tie my hair back up.

and suddenly, it's just a normal weekday for me. i'll get dressed and go to the subway and go to work as if nothing ever happened.

and on the subway, i watch piper's most recent interview on my phone.

'piper mclean reveals what's in her bag' is the title. it seems that the whole video is just piper pulling things out of her purse. lip gloss, earbuds, a wallet.

a girl sitting next to me audibly gasps when she catches a glimpse at my screen. i pull out an earbud.

"is that piper mclean?" she says. i guess piper has a fair amount of fans. "i saw her live a while ago! oh my god, i love her!"

piper is still pulling out random shit from her purse and explaining them in the interview. she pulls out a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses. my heart-shaped sunglasses that i gave her when she was hungover. her eyes seem to soften when she takes them out of her purse. she puts them on her face a smiles for the camera. she smiles the way i remembered her that night six years ago.

"me too," i tell the subway girl. "i love her."