chasing an illusion - pipabeth

14- miserable

"you said you were miserable?"

"what?"

"when you were drunk. you said you were miserable."

"oh." piper says. her voice is twinged with static through the phone. but it still sounds like her. crystal clear. "sounds like some bullshit i'd say sober."

"you're always on some level of intoxication."

piper laughs.

"so what did you mean?" i ask.

"well... i meant that i was miserable."

it's not like i enjoy bringing this up. i don't like talking about misery. about internal demons and ghosts or whatever the hell people call the shit that hurts. but it's what piper would do. it's what percy would do. it's what a good girlfriend would do, right? is that what i am? a girlfriend?

"why?"

"just in the way that humans are miserable. just in existence." piper explains. "just in nature. i'm a miserable being."

i wonder if there's something she's holding back. "existence is miserable?"

"mine is. was. is." piper said, contradicting herself. always contradicting herself. "i was miserable loving you and yet not knowing if it made any difference. i was miserable in loneliness. i left l.a. because i felt lonely there and came here and felt lonely here. and then i met you and felt unlonely. and then i loved you. and then i just didn't know. and everything just became this mass of misery in me. this constant, buzzing misery of just existing. existing as me. flying between cities and being lonely and uncertain. you understand that, right?"

"of course i do." i say quietly. what was the last six years if not that? "didn't you date people after me?"

piper chuckled quietly. "didn't i say that none of them were you?"

"did it make that much of a difference?" i ask, feeling my heart race. even after everything, hearing something like that is deeply flattering. anyone would want to hear that. especially coming from her. her rich, sweet voice.

"it makes worlds of differences." piper assures me. "you didn't date anyone, did you?"

"yeah," i said. "because no one was you."

piper laughs.

"do you think we're moving fast?" i ask.

"i wouldn't call six years fast."

i grin. "you're right." i sigh. "one more thing. six years ago, you knew you were going to move. why did you still want to see me? want to kiss me?"

"well, i liked you. a lot. you were all i could think about."

"but if you knew, wouldn't it be easier to keep a distance? wouldn't it hurt less to not have those memories? why would you sign yourself up for pain?"

i hear piper's soft breathing through the microphone. i could almost hear her thinking. hear her thoughts swirl in her head.

"i wanted you to love me more than i wanted to be happy. that sounds... bad. but it's true, i guess." piper says slowly. "i wanted a lasting memory, even if it hurt. even if it stung. it was selfish and reckless of me, i apologize. i guess it goes to show i haven't grown."

i smile, turning a page of my book. "you're something else."

"what're you doing right now?" piper asks suddenly.

"i'm reading a book i bought from the history museum gift shop. it's about the peloponnesian war." i say. the book is flat on the bed and i'm on my stomach, leisurely flipping through.

"what's with you and war?"

"what?"

"you talk about war a lot."

"yeah. i guess."

"does it mean something to you?"

"well, it's easy, first of all. it begins and ends at specific dates. it happens because of certain events. it's easy to track and read and comprehend." i say. "and on a more philosophical angle, it's fascinating. how something so monstrous and chaotic is also careful and strategic. they're two sides of the same coin. ares and athena type deal." i pause to make sure she was still following me.

"yeah, okay." she says. "go on."

"and all for what? something so arbitrary and useless. we plan strategy and we set rules. we try to give it sophistication. but it's bloodshed all the same. heartless and cruel. but so absolutely real. it starts and it ends and you can easily see what caused it and what ended it and what it caused. it's clear. it's devastating. it causes change. and it's all for nothing. no one fights war because it makes them happy. they do it because it is what they do and is what they know how to do." i say, spouting words that i never even consciously thought before, not to mention communicate. they just spill out from somewhere.

"wow. so it does really mean something to you."

"it doesn't. it means something to everyone. war is human."

"you're a war, aren't you? that's what you think."

"everyone's a war."

"even me."

"especially you."