Behind Curtains

Kabanata 36

Kabanata 36

Shame

I was on a roll my whole life. I grew up with a childhood that was... academically busy and intense. I grew up with the fact that if not Top 1, I was always expected to be part of the Top 5.

Before I could even understand it, I grew up always one of the best few tossed to join all local, regional and national competitions. And in competitions just within school, I was always a favorite winning bet. Maraming mas magaling sa akin sa eskwelahan, hindi nga ako running for vale or salutatorian, but it must be charisma that could get me top spot for anything during my primary and half of my secondary years. Be it spelling bees, trivia, science quiz bees, math, newscasting, or plain cheerdances and singing.

Although I wasn't as pressured as all the other geniuses or protégés my age, I was still trained to win. Kahit na ang mga ka-talo ko noon ay mas matanda sa akin ng ilang taon, hindi na kataka-taka kung ako pa rin ang mananalo.

My academy teachers and the private school I grew up in could take all the credit, but really, my ultimate mentor then, was my mother. A Commerce graduate, who married at twenty-three, became a mother at twenty-five, and then a homemaker for the rest of her life. I was sturdy, because she built me up. I could be under a lot of trainers, but my mother was the only one who'd stay up with me all night to help me review and memorize. She wasn't exactly "stage mother", it's just her undivided attention for me was just best at handling my thoughts. Kahit na... siya rin ang naging rason ng namumuong nerbyos ko.

Sometimes her sudden screams, whenever I didn't immediately understand or do something I was told, still reverberate in my chest. Until I was beginning to be afraid of my own choices and discretion, just in case she'd jump me with her raising voice of disapproval. Nasanay ako sa biglaang pag-pitik ng kanyang galit na halos abangan ko na ito. Para lang maunahan ko ang damdamin at hindi ako aatakehin sa puso.

Still, it didn't feel like she was doing those things just because she was pressured by something else. It was in the way that she'd smile or laugh at my quips, that I knew she was only snapping hard at me, so I'd bring out what I could do best. Ultimately, all I had to do then was to obey quietly, excel and stay the good girl, so I'd complete our perfect little family.

Kaya noong tumigil si mommy maging ganoon, nagbago at medyo nagpaka-layo... parang nawala rin ako. When she suddenly took her hands off of us and let go of her hold on me to choose herself for a few months, I felt relieved, but more lost and confused than ever... when I was barely even 10 years old.

When the life I have yet to understand began to shatter beneath my feet.

"Ate, tawag ka ni mommy..."

Bumuntong-hininga ako at inilipat na ang titig sa nakababatang kapatid. Nakadungaw siya sa akin mula sa bintana ng kwarto, while I stayed standing in my balcony, kanina pa natititig sa kabilugan ng buwan. I smiled at my 14-year-old sister when she looked at me worriedly.

"Sige, bababa ako. 5 minutes," sabi ko at binalik na ang tingin sa kabilugan ng buwan.

"May... problema ba, ate?"

Hindi ko maiwasang matawa sa tanong.

"Wala..." sabi ko, may tira-tira pang tawa sa boses. "New moon kasi," I showed my phone. "Gusto kong i-video."

She stared at my face before moving her eyes to my phone.

"Okay," tumango siya matapos ang ilang segundong paninitig doon. "'Wag ka raw tumagal dyan, Ate. Baka raw may dengue..."