A Condemned Haven

Chapter 26

She wished that she could have gone to the swing set in Brandon's backyard where they used to hang out all the time, but Brandon's parents would never let her anywhere near them. She hadn't talked to them since she had been convicted. Their faces when the sentence was read were made of steel. They would never forgive her and that was the saddest part of this all. Even they hadn't believer her, despite knowing them her entire life. Their lack of faith hurt her more than her own family.

If she couldn't go there, she would have to go to the second-best place. As she drove there her mind wouldn't stop spinning. Brandon was not the boy she thought she knew, and she had to accept that. She had to learn who he really was leading up to his death and maybe that would help her finally discover the truth. She had to let go of who she believed he was and that was harder than anything else she had done or still had to do.

She had to get out of the car to go the rest of the way. The woods were just down the street from her house that her and Brandon used to play in as kids. She remembered the path like the back of her hand. When she saw the familiar tattered wooden sign with the secret place scribbled on it with her eleven-year old hand in red sharpie, she felt a pang in her chest. They had come out here almost every day when they were in middle school. They would pretend they were adventurers or survivalists.

Brandon would insist on swinging on the vine across the tiny little stream as if they were in the jungle. The vine had long since fallen when one summer it could no longer support their weight. Brandon had fell straight into the stream and got soaked. Clarke had laughed for ten minutes straight as he complained about how his boxers were wet. When they started their freshman year, they stopped coming out here, claiming that it was too childish for high schoolers. She wishes that they would have stuck with it a little longer. What had happened between then and now? Three years couldn't change someone's life that drastically, could it? She hated to admit it, but she was living proof.

The two plastic five-dollar chairs they had brought out here their last year were still sitting in the same spot. Leaves were riddled all over it and dirt had stained the white to a dull brown. Then again three years would do that. Clarke was shocked that they were still there at all. She knew what she was looking for and it should've been right under the chair. She found a large stick and began digging. When she heard the clang of the titanium box against her stick, she knew she had found it. She pulled it out and struggled to remember the combination that Brandon had created for it, claiming that they needed to protect their most prized possessions. Then she remembered it was a combination of their birthdays.

As she opened the box, she was hit with a wave of sadness. Polaroids of their childhood stood inside. One was of Brandon right after he fell in the stream. Clarke had been able to take the picture just before he could stand himself up. He had tried to get her to throw that one away, but she reminded him of the exact reason she took them in the first place, so they could remember how young and dumb they were, so they could laugh about this in twenty years when they finally dug the damn thing up. She supposed she had dug it up a little sooner than they had intended. Then again it wouldn't matter, because Brandon wouldn't have been there to see them with her anyway.

The other photos were of them doing other dumb things like trying to cut down a tree with a dull hatchet or building a fort with pieces of wood that would never fit together. One year during Christmas time they had actually found a Christmas tree that someone had thrown away behind their house in the woods. They had decorated it themselves with some of the ornaments they stole from their house and created their own little tree. They held Christmas together that year, giving each other their presents under that same tree.

There was one other thing in there that Clarke however did not remember. It was a letter addressed to her. The handwriting was not same scrawling of a fifteen-year old and the date was only last year. This was a letter he had written before he died, dated only two months before. Clarke didn't know if she had the heart to open it. She ran her fingers over it, feeling the indents of the pen where her name was written. He had written this for her, even after everything. She didn't know if it was an apology or just a whim. She had to read it, she had to understand. As she ripped the envelope open, her heart began to beat faster. It was a regular piece of lined paper from school. She wondered if he had sat in class and written it for her. She unfolded it slowly, not really sure if she was ready to read what it said.

Dear Clarke,

By now it should be twenty years later. Just in case I'm not there to open this box with you, I had a few things to say. Whenever I was with you, I felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be, whether or not I was an adventurer in the woods or just a guy who knew a girl. These days I'm not really feeling that way. So many things are going on and I'm realizing my life is not exactly what I imagined it would be. I'm not who I want to be and the less I began to see of you, the less I began to see of me. My parents said to me the other day that they didn't recognize me. I think they are right. Lately I have had to do so many things that go against everything I thought I stood for. Now I really don't know if I stand for anything anymore.

I wish I could go back to those afternoons in the woods with you. You always knew who I really was, even if lately it may not seem like it. I thought I could make all of my dreams come true just by throwing a ball, but now I realize that that was foolish of me. You always told me I was too stubborn to see the reality, and you were right. Football has brought me nothing but grief. My team has trapped me in a way that I thought they never would. I thought they were meant to be my family, but now I realize you were the only person that ever truly was. I have pushed you away for so long, but I promise I'm trying to find my way back to you. If I haven't by now, it's because I don't deserve you and I never really did. You were a shining light inside all of the darkness of this year, and I know I didn't make you feel that way and I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry.

This year I have had to make some tough decisions. I've had to follow the lead of someone who has taken away my morality. I decided to save myself and not someone else and I feel incredibly selfish. It has been so long since I have made that decision that there is no going back. Even if I wanted to, I could not reverse the damage that has already been done. I stay up at night thinking about the mistakes I've made, and I don't recognize myself anymore. I haven't for a long time. I didn't get the scholarship to my dream university and while I am trying to find a way to still make that happen, I don't know if it will be enough. I don't think anything will ever be enough.

I don't have you by my side anymore and that is completely my fault and I will live with that. I need to fix my life. I need to fix me. I think I'm going to fix my mistakes and finally own up to them. Everyone will hate me, including you, but I need to do this. I'm going to do it right before the end of the year. No one will know until then. Not even you. I wish I could tell you all this in person, but I can't. I'm a coward. You made me brave, but I don't have you anymore.

Even after everything I want you to know that I love you. Not the way I did when we were kids. I love you more now than ever and I realized it the moment that I lost you. You may not see it now, but you've been gone for a long time. You have been fighting for me, but I stopped fighting for you. The moment that happened I think is when it all went downhill. I love you Clarke, don't ever forget that.

Love Brandon Williams.

Tears were streaming down Clarke's face to the point that she could barely see the letter anymore. This was the last thing she had left of Brandon. He was gone and the grief had been hidden in a box in a deep dark corner until now. Everything that she had buried was coming back up. Brandon was gone. She wouldn't open this box with him in twenty years, she wouldn't graduate with him, she wouldn't fight with him over what movie to watch or pretend to hate how he stole her popcorn. He was gone. He was never going to come back. These would be the last words she would ever get from him. She sat there crying for probably about ten minutes before she formed up enough strength to stand up. She had to remember why she was doing all of this. She was going to find his real killer and she wasn't going to give up until she did. This was never just for her own justice; it was for his too. First thing tomorrow she would delve back into everything she had been trying to do all along. There was no turning back, she needed to know what happened to him. It haunted her now more than ever.