A Condemned Haven

Chapter 33

The next morning Clarke woke up with Caroline sitting at her desk, staring at a photo of Brandon and her. It was one of the days they went to the carnival the summer before freshman year. She remembered that day vividly because it was the last day before Brandon had to start conditioning with the football team. After that they didn't hang out as much and Brandon, knowing that, wanted to spend his last free day at the carnival with Clarke.

"That was a good day." Caroline turned around like a little kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. You're my sister, you can look at whatever you want. It's not like I have anything to hide."

"Did you ever find anything in Brandon's notebook?" Caroline was flipping through it absentmindedly, but Clarke could tell her mind was focused on something else.

"Yeah, I'm trying to find out what he was up to before he died. I was hoping it would give me a little clarity, but all its really doing is making things more confusing." She had a slight headache from the emotional turmoil of last night.

"You never really know someone, I guess. Even after their dead." Caroline seemed so unfocused with the conversation, like she was referring to anything but what they were actually talking about.

"That sounded like it had a double meaning. What's going on?"

"If I tell you something, promise you won't judge me." Clarke didn't like the sound of that, but she wanted to know what was bothering her sister so much.

"Of course."

"While you were in juvie, I dated Francis. I was in love with him actually. We only broke up right after you got out. I know people all say these bad things about him, but it wasn't like that with us." Clarke watched as Caroline buried her head into her hands and let out a big sigh.

"You dated Francis, but you said you knew about the photo?" Her sister had heard all of the bad things about him, but she dated him. Clarke couldn't seem to grasp what was going on in her sister's mind.

"I had heard about it, but I didn't know it was true. All the time we spent together I thought it was just a rumor or a joke that Francis used, not that he actually did something to that girl. I didn't want to believe. I still don't want to believe it. We got into a fight about it once and he told me that if I didn't believe him then there was no reason we should be together, so I chose to stuff it into the farthest part of my mind and forget about it. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I still loved him. Could a guy who really did that treat me the way he did. Bring me flowers on the same day we started dating every month, or stuff little letters in my locker everyday telling me he loved me. How could that be the same guy? How could a guy who did this horrible thing, still do those sweet things for me?" Caroline was tearing up. She missed him and she hated to admit it.

"Everyone has a side of their life that no one knows about. I can't judge you for not knowing that part of him." Clarke got up from her bed and hugged her sister for what seemed like minutes.

"I still miss him, every day. I still think about him all the time. All I feel is regret all the time for leaving him. If I was with him that night, then maybe he would still be alive. What if I loved a monster?"

"People have done worse things and loved worse people." Caroline sniffled, trying desperately to pull herself together. The day hadn't even started yet and here she was, breaking down. Clarke had had no clue that her sister dated Francis and here she was telling her all of the gruesome details of what her first love might have done. She wasn't winning the best big sister award anytime soon. She wasn't exactly thrilled that her sister had dated him, but she didn't know about all the things Francis was involved in. She couldn't blame her for falling in love with someone she only knew half of.