Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick's Draw

Greg Beats the System

Disclosure: Fuck grammar and if you're easily offended, then go back to playing the victim card/pretending to be more moral than others to look good in comparison, you melt. Thanks in advance!

After breaking out of prison with that cool cinematic shit, Rowley, Greg, Chirag, and Holly were free middle schoolers; out in the world trying to get that dollar to buy GoGos and HoHos. 

Holly sadly lost her baby after calling a horse 'gay' on a Christian Minecraft server; causing the horse to find Holly's Address (50°36.25′S165°58.38′E) and swatted her blonde ass. However, during the swatting, her instant rage potion fell from a roughly 10-foot shelf into her chapped open mouth. The potion ran down her oesophagus like water down a hill, the potion absorbed into her womb; causing the baby to turn into roughly 45 ounces of ragu.   

After the ragu fell out of her pussy, Holly said, "FFS now I won't be able to obtain any welfare money so I can buy a didgeridoo." She said in a huff. Holly then said "oi Rowley you fat cunt, do want to eat my ragu? ;)" in a seductive tone. "I'd rather eat my corndog, thanks. It's Rohypnol flavoured!" "The fuck you know what Rohypnol tastes like?" Said Greg in a sassy tone *finger snaps*. "My uncle gives it to me before bedtime; it's supposed to help you fall asleep faster!" Said Rowley, with enthusiasm in his voice. "Your uncle's dead lol," Said Greg, truthfully. 

Later that day, Rowley stuck a fork into a toaster to kill himself. Unfortunately (for him at least), the fork was plastic so nothing happened. Rowley was then admitted to Krakow Mental Institute in Luton. How will Greg get him out? I'mma tell ya right now!

June 6, 2019, 04:20 AM: Luton, Poland, Asia

Greg jumped 600 metres up into the air, his right foot in front, aiming at the window; THUD! Aw shit, the glass is bulletproof. So Greg and the squad (Chirag, Holly and Kim Kardashian) tried thinking of a solution; it took them like 14 hours or some shit because the sun was now setting over the horizon; the sun's haze enlighted Luton's cityscape. Suddenly from out of nowhere (just like Billy Ellish's semi-decent-at-best music this year) Kim K 🍑 thought of the best idea ever conceived. Kim said in her usual plastic-like tone "I remember when doing the sex tape with Ray J. He said", "if you dab hard enough, you can break bulletproof glass". "Fair enough, let's try it!" Said Greg, nonchalantly. So that's what Kim did; Kim did the fattest dab every seen. It went so low that Kim's elbow was touching Earth's core (satan's asshole for you religious folk out there because everyone knows that religious people can't accept science because it says in the Bible: Mark 6:66 "Science is gay, give me your money or you'll get ass-raped in hell for eternity plus two!") Anyway, Kim then lifted her dab at Mach 5 speed, the dab's blast practically destroyed the whole building's foundation and the bulletproof glass, was dust. But how did Greg Gang (Greg's Squad) survive you may ask yourself? They didn't, they're dead now; all because of you, you fucking piece of shit! This is what you get for lying about your sex life; you're 100% a virgin.

Hahahaha JK LOL, Greg Gang were wearing Gucci Slides and AirPods™ which cancelled out the shockwave, like how Twitter temporarily cancelled out attention-whore James Charles (I prefer Kane Larkin TBH). The reason the Gucci Slides and Airpods™ protected Greg Gang from the force was because the products emanate a forcefield (made via rich people energy) which protects people from shockwaves and is also why they're $200/means that rich people are invincible; the posh cunts.

Greg Gang ran into the building looking for Rowley. There he was, getting his ass whooped by Kim's cunt of a husband Kanye West. "Don't worry guys, I've got this!" Said Kim, confidently. "Forgive me Beyonce, Queen of the Illuminati: Butt Blast activate!" BOOM!!! A blast of silicon came from her ass and killed Kanye in a flash of white. Kanye was dead instantly from her toxicity.  Kim's ass returned to her normal size."Fifty million here I come!" Said Kim, enthusiastically, as she knew she'd absorb Kanye's net worth after his death.

Greg sprinted over to Rowley and grabbed him. Rowley said in a calm voice, "damn she thicc!" Greg Gang ran and ran until they got home (Greg's crib). This was their final destination.

To be continued...