Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick's Draw

Prison

If you were wondering why I haven't added any side-characters to my story, then fuck off. 

JK LOL😂😂😂

Basically, they're all in prison. Anyway, let's start this motherfucker! Cue the intro, Russian child-worker in Greg's basement.

*Intro plays*

Today was a bad day even for Greg standards. He was in Plainview Prison (which doesn't make sense because he's 13 but whatever), the prison is composed of the generic slate grey bricks, stroke lights, 24-hour rain until a convenient time when it stops, barbed wire littering the perimeter you get the picture.

The Greg was with Rowley in the foyer, waiting for their mugshot photos. Greg was sweating more than an emo in the cutlery section at Nando's. What would his parents think? Would he be cut out the will? Was he gonna get raped by the noncey policeman? Does anyone actually care? No.

"Get into the mugshot room, maggots!" Said the non-pedophile policeman (NPP). "Yolo." Said Rowley, unphased. 

"Gregory Heffley, please stand in front of the camera." Said the NPP. The camera flashed, his stats read 4'11ft, 4.5lbs. "Damn, you thicc boy!" Said the nonce. "SEAN! What have I said about the pedophilia?! Do you want me to destroy your ass as I did to your mum's last night?" Said the NPP. "Kai, my mum's been dead for five years, you know this. You were at the funeral FFS." Said Sean nonchalantly. "Who said she was alive..." said Kai mischievously.

Greg attempted the suicide technique, but it failed.

"Rowley Jefferson,  please stand in front of the camera." Said Kai. Rowley was 5'2ft and 1670lbs. "I guess there's more for me to grab." Said Sean. "Sean, KYS." Said Kai.

Oof

Rowley and Greg were now being escorted to their cells. Rowley was sent to share with Chirag Gupta, the hardest Indian in the world and Greg was sent to a fate worse than death, Patrick Farrell. "This is your roommate Patrick, IDFK what they are." Said Kai. "Hi, Greg, long time no see. A lot's changed this summer. I now identify as the following: 21 years old, autistic, a PST sufferer, depressed, OCD, agoraphobia and anxiety (all self-diagnosed). I'm pansexual, I identify as a toaster, my pronouns are they/it SO DON'T MISGENDER ME, Gregory Heffley." Said SJW, Patrick. "Oh God, kill me now." Said Greg. "Not until WW3." Said God, indirectly to Greg on Twitter.

"Lunchtime, freaks." Said Kai. Greg and Patrick walked to the canteen. There they saw familiar faces like Holly 'Pills' Hills, Chirag and Sound Cloud Rapper, 6ix9ine.

"What up my n*****?" Said Chirag, the racist fuck. "WTF Chirag! You can't say that word, you're not even black, you're like Indian or some shit." Said Holly. "Actually he can because he's a person of colour, you white privileged whore." Said, Patrick. "You're a she." Said Holly, savagely.  "I'M TRIGGERED!!!!!" Said Patrick, angrily. "I'm going to get my lawyer on you." They continued to say before crying out of the room like a bitch.

"So Holly, what are you in prison for?" Said Greg thirsty for Holly's P. "Well Greg, firstly, I killed that bitch Heather in a DDR contest, DDR standing for Death Dance Revenge, I then sold her jewellery for codeine/some xanys and then I raped me stepdad so I could get pregnant and get welfare to sell my baby for crack." "What about you big boy Greg?" Said Holly seductively. "Rowley and I killed Fregley then sold his head for a fleshlight before the police caught us." Said Greg in response. "OMG, that's fucking hardcore, Greg. Anyway, where's Rowley?" Said, Holly.

Meanwhile in the staff room, "round 2?" Said Sean. "No, please stop. My ass really hurts and the milk you gave me makes me feel queasy." Said Rowley, exhausted. "Well we have been playing the Miley Cyrus Twerk Game for 2 hours and the milk carton did go off two weeks ago, so you get a pass now." Said, Sean. "Now, wanna watch some of my Sean Porn?" Said, Sean again.

"IDK, but we gotta get out of here, soon and save Rowley too..." Said Greg, dramatically. 

TO BE CONTINUED...