Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick's Draw

The Final Battle!!!

April 20th, 2007

It was a typical overcast day in Cairo, India. Greg and his mandem were preparing for battle on the right side of the Greg Gang Mansion. Holly got her congealed ragu foetus and tied it to her umbilical cord, hurling the cord around like a lasso. Chirag got out his AK-47 and was locking on to his targets. Rowley was taking autism pills to enhance his strength, courage, intelligence, and speed. Kim K was in her cryogenic chamber, revitalizing her body to become the ultimate being. Last (and least) of all, Greg put on his Yeezys, AirPods, Bape Hoody and 24 karat Rolex.  It was showtime!

Greg versus Rodrick, the most anticipated fight of the century. Greg was gonna rip a new one outta Rodrick. Greg Gang and Rodrick's Cult charged against each other with murder most foul in their eyes. With a fiery punch, Rodrick made the first hit at Rowley; however to Rodrick's dismay, Rowley's autism pills caused the punch energy to recoil onto Rodrick, causing his fist bones to shatter like glass at a mall entrance in suburban England. 

Rodrick laughed a laugh so sinister. He said in a voice with a tone that was so dark it made Kris Jenner sound like Jesus. Rodrick said "you think you can defeat me by rupturing my bones? How naive of you, don't you know I have super cheats? I can fly, go through walls, summon allies and regrow bones. Nothing you can do Greg can stop me. Not you, and not your freak friends. No one."

"My AK47 may have something to say about that." Said Chirag in a feisty, quick tone. Bang, bang, bitch! Half of Rodrick's Cult was down. The bodies were like swiss cheese. Full of holes and Americans are obsessed with them both. "No matter, they were just fodder; the real team members, are about to destroy you." Said Rodrick nonchalantly. Rodrick then swiftly swiped all of Greg Gang, they were now ensnared in a white sticky material. Holly then stated a classic line: "I definitely know what this is, I've been covered in this stuff many times before. Especially by my step-dad! It's obviously spiderwebs ya sick fucks!"

"Oh my fucking God Holly, nobody cares about your whore ass." Said Rodrick in great anger. "Now my plan can be fully initiated, it is time brother for you to give me what has always been mine; as Greg, you may not know this but, you have my uterus!" Said Rodrick dramatically. "Umm, no shit." Said Greg, fatigued. "I've known since the last chapter..." Said Greg. "What will you do to us, after you've extracted the uterus from Greg?" Said Kim K in a concerned, plastic-like tone. "Silence peasant! I shall turn you all into sausage meat and sell you to the scum of California, where they'll be labeled as GMO-free, organic, 100% vegan and locally sourced." Patrick gasped. Rodrick mega slapped them in the face, blood enrobed their skin and teeth flow in the air like popcorn kernels in a microwave."Silence freak, or you'll meet the same fate as them." Said Rodrick in maximum fury. 

"Now, prepare to die, Gregory! See you later too fa-". "C'mon, step it up!" Said a distant voice. "Show yourself in front of me, or I'll bestow upon my mightly wrath, as I am the true God; and you don't want to make me angry!" Said Rodrick with major rage. A silhouette jumped from a 50ft building, the silhouette was Shadow the Edgy Hedgehog; and he wasn't alone. With him were Mega Emo Leon and the man of madness, Manny Heffley.

Greg Gang and Rodrick's cult all gasped! "Impossible, I sent you to the Devil's Realm (James Charles' hometown), where one of  your cells explodes every day until you die a most painful death!" "Stupid, Rodrick! You didn't send me to Devil's Realm, you sent me Emo World; that's where I met Leon and Shadow!" Said Manny, triumphantly! "Righteous!" Said Leon with only one line."B-b-but how did you know about the fight or my location?!" Said Rodrick, scared out of his wits. "Oh, poor naive, Rodrick!" Interrupted, Patrick. "You see, I have never been your ally, I've been a spy this whole t-." Patrick's speech was suddenly halted as Rodrick shot out an ultra-energy sphere into Patrick's face. Their face split, skull fissured and blood poured out all their orthoses, Patrick was dead. "YOU BASTARD!" Rowley shouted in intense anger. "I didn't want to use this, but you've given me no choice: initiate Sonic fanfiction power!" Said Rowley, with passion in his autistic heart.    

The blast then hit Rodrick and freed Greg Gang from the sticky web. Rodrick's powers had faded, he was a normy again. "No! My powers! You've ruined me! You shall pay for your blasphemy, Gregory Chlamidiya Heffley!" With a final whiff of Rodrick's ultra-energy sphere, he aimed his sphere at Greg Gang and Emos. They all embraced, waiting for the wrath of Rodrick, they knew it would be their final hour. Until a last-second sacrifice from none other than Kim K happened. "I won't let you kill my friends, Rodrick!" Kim ran in front of everyone, ass quatting 45 degrees. "Silicon butt blast activate!" The blast deflected the sphere, shards of Rodrick's power were reflected back at Rodrick, he was instantly vaporized into nothing but Nitrified fertilizer. Rodrick was finally defeated, and the Greg Gang were now free from the evils of elder siblings ('cause fuck 'em).

Greg Gang ran towards the limp body of Kim, she said: "buy Yeezys and Chirag, I give you all $700 million of my networth to you, as you were the first to realize Kanye's fake ass." Her eyes then closed, the minimal light inside of her left her soul. Kim Kardashian was no more.

"Boy, I'm parched, wanna get a soda?" Said Rowley in a moment's thirst. "K." Said Greg and they all went into Walmart and bought a quart of Diet Coke because it's healthy. 

The End.