Latecomer

Chapter 9

Patricia

I know his reasons.

I know that he just don't want to be hurt.

I know that he just don't want to be hated, especially, Zenela.

I know, I know, he likes her.

He likes her to the point that he forgot his sister's feelings.

I didn't say that we must lie to them– that we should keep his disease to them. I didn't force him to lie. It's his decision.

But what can I do? He already passed the blame on me.

Maybe, I should still understand him.

He has disease, I don't have. So, maybe, it's alright to put the blame on me.

Maybe, I will just endure these pains.

Maybe, I'll be okay.

I smiled bitterly and decided to go back to school.

Few hours have passed. Nakatulala pa rin ako habang nakatitig sa General math naming teacher.

Suddenly, the bell rang. It's already five pm. Unti-unti ng nagsilabasan ang aking mga kaklase hanggang ako nalang ang natira.

Dinampot ko ang aking mga gamit at tuluyan ng lumabas sa tahimik naming silid.

Habang naglalakad, may biglang tumulong luha galing sa aking mga mata. Hinayaan ko nalang. Maski pagpahid ng luha, nakakapagod din pala.

Napagdesisyunan kong hindi muna pumasok sa trabaho. Gusto kong magpahinga muna kahit saglit man lang.

Namalayan ko nalang na naglalakad na pala ako papuntang seminteryo.

Maybe, it's a good place where I can cry. I just can't take it anymore. I can see no shoulder to lean on.

Nang makita ko ang kanilang mga lapida, kaagad akong lumapit dito at walang enerheyang umupo sa damo.

“How are you guys?” I asked like someone will answer.

Sometimes, sad person asks that kind of question not because they really want to know if how's your situation, but because they just want to be asked the same question.

“You two left me, and another two important persons left me again. Why so cruel?”

Nag-unahan ang aking mga luha na makalabas sa aking mga mata na tila ang tagal na nilang nakakulong doon. I didn't bothered to wipe it. It'll be useless, more are coming.

“Why are you guys left me? Can you go back here, please? I need you,”

Awang-awa na ako sa sarili ko. I didn't want to cry, but the more I stopped it, the more tears will come out.

“Pagod na pagod na ako,” mahina kong sabi at hinayaang humagulgol ang sarili.

Mas lalong nag-unahan ang aking mga luha nang biglang lumakas ang ihip ng hangin.

“Puwede na ba akong sumuko?”

Ang lamig ng panahon ay sinabayan ng malakas na ulan at kasabay ng pag-agos ng aking mga luha.

Mas lalong lumakas ang aking mga hikbi na lumalabas sa aking bibig hanggang sa naging sigaw ito. Lahat ng sakit at hinanakit ay tila nag-unahang makalabas.

Ikinuyom ko ang aking nanginginig na mga kamao at mas nilakasan pa ang sigaw.

Pagod na akong maging malakas!

Pagod na akong umunawa!

Pagod na akong magtiis!

Pagod na pagod na ako.

Sobrang damot ng mundo. Maski kasiyahan ko ipinagkait sa akin. Kasabay ng pagkawala ng mahahalagang tao sa akin, ay siyang pagkawala rin ng aking sarili.

“Tricia...”

Nahihibang na yata ako. Bakit naririnig kong may bumigkas sa ngalan ko.

Unti-unti ng tumigil ang aking mga luha ngunit nanatiling malakas ang buhos ng ulan. Hindi matatabunan ng lamig ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Nakatulala lang akong nakaharap sa lapida ng aking mga magulang nang biglang may maiinit na kamay ang yumakap mula sa aking likuran.

“Shhh, nandito lang ako, Tricia. Huwag mong isipin na wala ng nagmamahal sa 'yo. Hanggang nandito pa ako, mananatiling may nagmamahal sa 'yo,”

Napapikit ako nang may mainit na likidong lumabas sa aking mga mata.

“Stop wasting your tears for those people who doesn't know how miserable you are right now. You are a diamond that needs to be kept. If they're tired keeping a diamond, let them be tired. Because sooner or later, they'll just realize how beautiful they were wasting,”

It's funny how people use sugar-coated words just to comfort you.

I wiped my tears and breathe deeply.

Kinalas ko ang yakap niya at hinarap siya.

“I appreciate the way you put sugar on your words, but I just also want you to know that I did a mistake too. Lying is such a coward act. Sorry if you have to see how weak I am. I'm leaving.”

I'm so tired being a weak person. Enough of crying. Don't let anyone fools you twice.

“Trish, are you still mad at me?”

I was about to leave, then I heard his question.

“No,” I coldly answered.

“Really? Then, what's with the cold behavior?”

“I'm done with those peole who aren't deserve my tears, Mr. Villan.”

“Stop with the formality, Trish. I'm your cousin for pete's sake,”

Sarkastiko akong tumawa.

“Cousin. Ha-ha. Funny...” I wiped my tears before continuing what I've said. “Can you still remember how you treated me like a trash when I needed 'you' the most? Stop fooling me and Patrick, Erick. Alam mo kung ano ang kalagayan namin ni Patrick noong namatay ang aming mga magulang at ikaw... Ikaw lang ang meron kami noon, pero anong ginawa mo? Iniwan mo lang din kami! Nagmakaawa ako sa'yo, naalala mo pa? Kulang nalang lumuhod ako sa harapan mo para tulungan mo lang kami, pero wala! Ang sabi mo hindi mo kami kilala! It's sad how the person whom you are trusted suddenly turned into a stranger. Kaya simula noon, ipinangako ko sa aking sarili na hindi na ako iiyak sa mga taong walang kwenta.” 

I almost lost my voice. Too much of crying.

“Pero hindi pa pala tapos ang tadhana na pahirapan ako. Nakilala ko na naman ang dalawang tao na silang naging sanhi kung bakit kailangan ko na namang umiyak ngayon. Lahat nalang ng tao na pinagkakatiwalaan ko, umaalis.” I continued talking, “Habang nasasaktan ako, nasasaktan na naman ako, hindi pa nawala ang sakit, nasaktan na naman ako. Kaya alam mo? Ayuko na. Pagod na pagod na ako and by the way, I'm not your cousin. You treated my like you're not my cousin so why would I treat you like one? I just want to be fair,” I bitterly said and left me without listening his explanation.

Hindi sa lahat ng bagay, kailangang may explenasyon.