I Got You | PTX (ON HOLD)

Chapter 25; Breathe

Song for this chapter; Breathe Me -Sia ^

Kirstie

As I'm running out, I can't begin to believe what I'm doing. What I had just let go. But three hours before, Esther threatened me with our managers saying that they'd rip up our contracts if I continued my relationship. I couldn't tell Avi. He'd hate Esther, and Esther is his sister. His fucking sister. But I couldn't just let our careers fall apart because of my decision. I'm so confused. I want to run back into the room and tell him I meant absolute nothing. 

My breath is running short and my hands are feeling cold. I stop dead in my tracks and close my eyes, squeezing tight, pulling myself together with a deep breath. 

"C'mon Kirstie. Get it together." I whisper to myself. I open my eyes back up to see I'm in the waiting room. I turn on my heels and take a firm seat upon the orange couch. 

I let my head fall into my hands and I still can't clearly think. I feel utterly bipolar with my feelings, I can't seem to decide on anything anymore. I hear footsteps coming into the room and Esther is standing there with no emotion. 

"Well?"

"Go away, would you?" 

She only sputters a laugh. "I'm sorry I know the right choice for the both of you." she looks right into my eyes and her laugh dies down. "We both know that you and my brother don't belong with each other." 

"I love Avi." I spit back at her, standing right back up to my feet. I stare right in her face and wait for her to say something to piss me off again. I'm ready to rumble her to the ground. My fists clench along with my jaw. 

"Are you sure he feels the same?" she questions, sticking an object between our almost touching stomachs.

I look down and his journal rests in her hands.

My eyes widen a little, but I take the book slowly, not looking at her. Only at the letter engravement 'A' on the leather. My thumb swipes carefully upon it, letting out a scared breath, wondering what she meant. 

I look up and she's not there anymore. She slipped out the door before I could questions whatever she said. I take a seat again and stare at the book. 

Should I open it? 

My fingers are still shaking as I flip open the cover slowly. The front sheet is scribbled with his phone number and his name in case he were to loose the book. I turn the page and the next is scribbled with out lyric arrangement of 'Evolution of Music'. His tiny handwriting always puts a smile on my face. I turn to the next page and a couple lyrics are written down from one of the songs in our new album. Scott's name is written at the top just below the title reading 'Natural Disaster'. It was one of my favorite songs on the album, I was excited for the fans to hear it. 

The pads of my thumbs scroll on the indented page from the led. There are annotations across the lyrics, adding curse words and foul meanings and my heart beats a little harder. Whenever Avi was to arrange our songs, he'd never take risks to put bad language. Some sentences were crossed out violently with pen. Some, almost ripping a hole through the paper. 

Every other letter is scribbled out with 'your' or 'you' written over it. I can't tell what was originally written until the middle of the page, where Avi seemed to miss one.

My mind was burning, in her love.

My lips purse together, holding my breath. Her? 

I flip to the next page yet again and I expect to see more lyrics, but I see a journal entry. There is no title, or date. Just a full page of paragraphs. 

I love her so much. But she's ruining me. I hate her all at the same time and some days we're at each other's throats ready to kill. I know I shouldn't feel this way towards her, but she drives me, making me hate her more everyday. My mix of emotions will definitely kill our friendship, if I can't have her, no one should have the privilege. Since she's been with that Jeremy boy, son of a bitch; she's changed and I've had time when I wanted to leave Pentatonix and be on my own, just to save myself from suffering the ultimate pain of being around Kirsten.

For all I know right now, I want out. 

My heart drops, and so does the book to the floor. There are no more tears in my eyes, as I would expect. Avi hates me. Esther is right. He doesn't love me. I've only read half of the page and just skimming over, it gets worse. 

I flip continuously, seeing more and more hate and viciousness behind the song. All of this negative emotion, it's because of me. My blood doesn't boil, and I don't become angry. I have absolutely no right. I should apologize to him, and give up. 

I read farther in, I shouldn't be. I'm snooping around and in turn; hurting myself more than I have already. 

This page is covered with more words indented into the page with little drops of dried up paper. Signs that tears must have fallen onto the page. Possibly his tears. 

Today, I saw her there. During our performance. She was so perfect. Her voice was perfect into the microphone, staring at me with all the hopeless love in her eyes. I couldn't help but break down while I sang. I choked up, embarrassed and hurt. I knew then I coudn't have her, and I never will. After, I found out at dinner that her and Jeremy were engaged, she was so happy about it. The smile on her face was so vibrant and happy. I wanted to get up and out of my seat, push Jeremy away and kiss her. Let her know that I could love her better than he could ever. But I sat there, and congratulated them. I held back tears and she watched as all my hope was thrown out the door. The ring was stingy, if she was mine, I'd give her everything. Because she deserves it. 

My heart has the familiar feeling to giving out like before. My hands are shaking, and I'm almost unable to breathe. I knew that night, when Jeremy and I announced our engagement, that there was something wrong with Avi. That's why he was so quiet. Not only that night, but all the years before. 

I owe Avi so much. 

I love him. 

"I love you too, Kirstie." his voice says. Had I said that aloud?

I look up, and there he is standing there at the door way with tears upon his face. His legs weak and face pale, hands gripping firmly to his mobile IV. With a shaky voice, he sputters.

Begging;

"Don't do this to me."

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Sorry I haven't updated! I'm so busy. 

Momma loves you all.  -Zoe x

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