Homin Pride drabbles

#15

A/N:Trigger Warning

Body dysmorphia and implies bulimia.

3rd Person's P.O.V:

How could he be honest with anyone, when he can't be honest with himself? 

He stared at the mirror and his mind is spinning like a merry-go-round and his stomach is feeling upset and almost ablaze with rage. He doesn't like this feverish state but he couldn't let anyone know about his secret. 

He wants to be enough. 

Changmin just wants to be loved... 

But he hates himself and every little detail about himself. He stares at the creature in the mirror and he wants to throw up again, it makes him uncomfortable at how fat he is and how his face looks unproportioned, his big ear, and his stupid mix matched eyes! 

He has taken off all of his clothes and he standing in front of a full mirror and he just wants to run away. He wants to shed his own body, not wanting to feel the shame bruise him more, his mind is screaming at him and the words are like cyanide, a mental assault of his deepest and most cruel thoughts come to life all over again. 

He is skinny and almost bone but he sees is over weight and chubby boy. This revelation horrifies him, it makes him want to binge and purge more and he hits his chest as the tears falls down his face in distress and he tries to hold back the sobs. 

He feels like he is being suffocated, his mind is playing tricks on him again and he can't tell the difference anymore. He can barely stand on his own to feet and his knees clink like rusty old metal against itself and he can barely function these days. 

His mind goes into another episode of distorted imagery of horror and cries of old memories that he so desperately suppressed from long ago. His mind plays those images on replay and he can't escape them or hide, it makes him go insane!

He sits on his bedroom floor and he just wants this sick game to end.

"Changmin, please open the door!" Yunho sits behind the close door and he feels numb. 

He refuses to worry his hyung any further. 

"Go away... I am fine." His voice is raw and horsed. 

"You don't sound fine." He knew but did not want to pry open Changmin's Pandora box. 

"I am!" He tries to sound more convincing. 

"I love you and I am here." Yunho ends with that. He doesn't speak any further and Changmin is thankful. 

How could Changmin ever be honest and open or allow someone like Yunho to ever love him, it breaks him inside even more and he doesn't know how to cope with the reality or his altered reality. He just stares at himself hoping that he would be enough but his eyes and mind are his greatest foe. He is his own worst enemy.

-The End

A/N: I would like to inform you all ahead of time that I will not be active on the 22nd to the 28th of this month as I will be away. I am a camp counselor for MDA summer camp so that whole entire time... I will be away and will not be active or posting anything during that time. I will post those day draables ahead of the days or when I come back.

So yeah... sorry this one is really sad.

-AndreaXx