Spark Into a Flame

Joey

Sunday I moped around, frustrated with the way my weekend had gone. I'd had to go to the doctor twice and turned out I had burst an ovarian cyst or two. Pippa had told me that Elliott and I needed to stop having sex until we found out what it was, but now that we know she was still all concerned. I knew she was talking to me on behalf of her and my dad, but I didn't like that she was trying to tell me what to do. However, I bit my tongue because I knew Dad wouldn't hesitate to ground me if I was rude to her. I really wanted to see Elliott this weekend.

Elliott seemed distant during the week. He always said it was because he was super busy at school. In the dorms, there was always something going on. He played pick-up basketball games and went to parties. It's like he didn't have time for me anymore.

I didn't want to bog him down with my news about my cyst, though I knew I should. If there were all these hot girls around him and then his high school girlfriend couldn't put out then why would he stay with me? I was feeling the pressure to stay interesting to him.

Friday finally rolled around and I got on the subway right after school. I arrived at his dorm and found several people hanging out in there, including a couple girls.

"He's a beast," one of the guys laughed, looking at Elliott. "I saw him do a keg stand AND three shots."

I tried to just slip in and smile, happy to be there. I sat next to Elliott and he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as everyone continued. Really I just wanted to be alone with him, but everyone stayed for quite a while. I tried to meet his eyes, communicating that we should break off but we all continued with his friends. We ate at the dorm cafeteria and I was mostly quiet. I felt super out of place. Finally, around 10:00 he told everyone goodbye and we went back to his room.

"Finally," I grinned, holding his hand as he turned the lock. He smiled and gave me a kiss. When we got inside I immediately started kissing him, wanting to show him how much I missed him. He kissed me back but then pulled away.

"Hey," he grinned. "Let's slow down a little bit."

I kissed him again, searching his eyes, and saw he was serious. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said, taking my hand and walking me to the bed. "Just thought maybe we should talk a little bit."

I crossed my legs and leaned against him a bit. "Sounds like you've been busy."

"Mmmhmm," he said. "School's kicking my butt."

"Are you still doing basketball?"

"Yep," he said. "A couple of the guys we saw tonight I play with a lot. They're pretty cool."

"How about the girls?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Just girls from the dorm."

I wanted to ask more but I didn't want to sound jealous. We talked a little longer and then he leaned in to kiss me. It started to become heated and we were undressing. I started to get nervous because last time we'd had sex I'd had pain. I really hoped that was all behind me now. As we began, though, I began to feel discomfort again. Still, I tried to push through it because I needed to feel connected to Elliott. Needed him to feel connected to me.

Soon, though, it was starting to become too much. My face contorted and I let out a pained whimper. He stopped immediately.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah," I told him, giving him an encouraging smile. He looked at me suspiciously then continued. A minute later I let out a gasp and he pulled away.

"You're not okay," he told me. "This happened last time. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," I tried to dismiss it, feeling my heart pounding. I didn't want this ruined. He sat up and brought me with him.

"You're in pain," he said. "That's not okay. Do you need to go to the doctor?"

"No," I told him. "It's just a little discomfort."

"It wasn't like that before," he said. "You should tell my mom."

He wasn't letting it go. "I already did."

"What did she say?"

I paused and looked down, not wanting to tell him. It felt so immature. "We went to the doctor. It was an ovarian cyst and it burst but now it's fine."

"A cyst?" he asked, and I nodded regretfully. "You must still have one then, if you're in pain. Is there a chance another one could rupture?"

"I guess, theoretically..." I admitted and he scoffed.

"Joey, then we shouldn't be having sex at all," he said, standing up. "If you're in pain then it's not worth it."

"But I want to!" I told him, standing myself. "I miss you like crazy and I want to be with you."

"We can be together and not have sex," he pointed out. "Why are you so worried about that?"

I sighed. "It's just...there's all these other girls around and you barely text me anymore and I'm still stuck in high school."

"Not that again," he sighed, tipping his head back.

"What?" I asked, now irritated. "You're my boyfriend and I barely hear from you! Of course it bothers me."

"I told you I'm busy with school," he went on. "I don't have time to text you all night long like some pimply teenager."

"Then call me!" I yelled.

"I don't want to!" he shouted back and we were both dead silent, breathing hard as we stared at each other.

"What?" I asked softly. "Why not?"

He sighed and walked back to his bed, sitting down and resting his arms on his legs. I sat next to him.

"Elliott?" I implored. "What are you saying? You don't like to talk to me?"

"It's just..." he struggled. "We're in different places now. I have more freedom here and you're still at home with all these rules to follow. I don't know if this is working for me anymore."

My heart dropped and I didn't know what to say. What could I say to make things right? I wanted to make him promises but I knew it would be empty. I still had two more years of high school and he was right - he was in a different place. I was dragging him down.

"Elliott?" I whispered, tears in my eyes.

"Maybe you should go home," he decided, looking at me.

"Elliott, I can back off more," I told him. "I'm sorry I've been super needy, it's just that I've been stressed."

"It's not just that," he stopped me, putting his hand up. "Now I find out you can't be honest with me. You knew you had cysts and you weren't supposed to have sex and you still did. You think I want to be responsible for causing you pain?"

"But-"

He stood up and took my hand. "I love you," he told me. "But I think we need to break it off for now."

The next few minutes were a blur. He pulled out his cell phone and called me a cab so I didn't have to take the subway back. He walked me down and waited with me as the cab pulled up. My heart was broken and I didn't know what to do to make it better.

Elliott opened the door for me and I sat down, looking up at him. He looked heartbroken too, but he wouldn't say anything except for giving the driver my address. He closed the door and tucked his hands in his pockets. I looked out the window as the cab pulled away, broken.