Spark Into a Flame

Joey

Monday morning I filled up a glass with orange juice and found my pill waiting for me as usual. Dad was at the sink, filling up Jack's sippy cup with water so I pinched it in my fingers, made a motion like I was popping it in my mouth, but kept it in my fingers. I swallowed my orange juice and clenched the tiny pill in my palm.

I'd taken the pills for a week but noticed I didn't like how they made me feel. I felt queasy and dizzy at times. It made the thought eating even less appetizing. I tucked the pill into my pocket. Some kid at school might be willing to buy some.

I told everyone bye and headed off to school. School, which had become exhausting. Why had I decided to take so many AP classes? I was way too zealous for my own good. I got back my chem test and I'd gotten a C+. Almost unheard of. It made me feel like shit. School was always what I was good at. I shoved it in the back of my backpack and told myself I'd do better next time.

Yes, I was in a slump. I'd given up trying to contact Elliott, not wanting to seem desperate. I knew he'd be back at some point obviously. What would that be like? I dreaded it. It would be super awkward. Did he still have some feelings for me like I did for him?

After school it was soccer practice. I'd barely eaten at lunch so I hadn't have much energy. I knew the coach was watching me, seeing if I was pushing myself. I wasn't and I had no one to blame but myself.

I went home in a bad mood and collapsed on my bed. I was still too hot to take a shower so I just stared at the ceiling. Dad, Mom and Pippa were still being super patient with me but I wondered how long that would continue. I was basically lying by not taking my pills and that was one of Dad's big pet peeves. This wouldn't be forever though. I'd snap out of this any day now and be back to normal. I had to.

My phone buzzed with a call. Abby, one of my teammates since kindergarten.

"Hey!" she greeted me. "Did you already take off?"

"Yeah," I said. I'd noticed some of the girls hanging around after practice ended. They'd been talking about getting froyo but I just wanted to be home. "Sorry, I just wanted to be home."

"We're all going out Friday night," she reported. "You should come."

"I don't know," I said. Usually I was all for something like that but somehow it just seemed like torture.

"Come on," she urged me. "You never go out anymore. What's up with you?"

"I just..." I rubbed at my temple, not wanting to get into it.  I hadn't really confided in any of my friends about my depression.  They could tell I was down and knew it was because of Elliott.  "I've been down lately.  Sorry I haven't been that fun."

She twisted my arm some more and I finally agreed to go out with them Friday.  I told myself that once I was out I'd have fun, and maybe I would.

Friday rolled around and I met my soccer friends in the hallway as planned.  Everyone was smiling and laughing, glad to be done with another week of school and excited for our game tomorrow against our arch rivals, Stuyvesant.  We took off and headed for Go Cups on 2nd Avenue.  I blended in and it almost seemed like old times.  Except...there was still this cloud that hung over me; that rained down on me even in the fall sunshine, keeping my trapped in my own sadness.  My heart just had this heaviness that wouldn't go away.

The five of us took over a couple tables in the back, the tables scraping against the floor as we moved them together.  We sat down, talking loudly and laughing and set our cups down.  I'd just gotten plain vanilla.

Leah reached into her backpack and pulled out a plastic bag filled with gummy bears.  "Alright, who wants their extra special topping?" she asked, her voice low.  Everyone kept their eyes down as Leah handed them both a couple little gummy bears.  I sensed these weren't regular gummy bears.  "Joey?  Want one?"

"What are they?" I asked stupidly.

"Weed gummy bears," Abby told me.  "Give her one.  It'll help her relax and forget about Elliott.  She's been tripping."

Leah handed me an orange one.  I took it and examined it.  It was a bit bigger than a regular gummy bear.  Everyone else was already eating theirs, so they were obviously used to this.  I'd heard some talk about team members trying weed cookies before but I'd never been around when it had happened.

"Just take one," Leah advised me.  "If you've never had any before.  Just to be safe."

I glanced at her and back at the gummy bear.  What if it did help me relax and forget about Elliott for a while?  With this cloud constantly over me I had to admit it would be nice to escape.  I knew it wouldn't solve anything, but just to have it stop for a while...

I sniffed it and it smelled grassy.  I bit off its head and chewed.  It tasted mostly like a regular gummy bear but with a bit of an earthy taste.  I popped the rest into my mouth and chewed, then picked up my spoon.  Everyone was continuing to talk and eat their froyo.

I wondered how long it was supposed to take to take effect.  We all talked and ate for a while and I really didn't feel much of anything.  After hanging out for a while longer and annoying the other customers, we got our stuff and headed for Central Park.  As we walked amongst the grass and trees I finally began to feel a bit more...relaxed.  I wasn't tripping out like you hear about, and neither was anyone else.  We were just cool and zen.  A couple girls spread out a blanket in a bit open area in the sun and we all sat or laid down.  I laid on my back, staring up at the sky, as I let the storm cloud of my mind drift away.  Just for a little while.