Keep me Closer - Billy Hargrove - Stranger Things

3: Doctor

I was in the car listening to the music on the radio. I didn't say a word almost the whole drive there.

" Look sweetie, I know, I know what I said but he said you have to."

" You promised. " I whispered.

"I know sweeti-"

" No mom, you promised I wouldn't have to come back. You know what happened to me here at this god forsaken lab. Yet your making me go back. " I whispered the last sentence so she couldn't hear my voice crack.

" He said you had to, I just want you to get bet-"

" Mom, what has he done any different then the last 50 times we have gone? I've told him everything mom. Everything that happened. What's the point in me going back to tell him the same stories. It hasn't helped before and it won't help no-" I was cut off by all of my surroundings starting to glitch into the UpsideDown. I closed my eyes and rubbed them and opened them again and everything was still the same.

" Sweetie?" I heard in almost an echo voice. But hearing someone else talk pulled my out of the- whatever I was seeing.

" Y-yeah?"

" You alright?" She asked

"Huh? Oh, yeah no I'm fine." I said and went back to leaning on my arm that was resting on the car door handle.

** At the doctors. **

After the traumatic entrance of me first walking in here. It nearly happens every time. Almost every time I walk in here I either have a panic attack or almost have a panic attack. From all the bad memories here.

"You've lost 3 pounds this month. " He said acting like he was expecting a reaction out of me. " How was your week?"

" Usual." Is all I said.

"How often are these flashbacks of yours occurring?"

" Just about everyday. And not all of them are memories. "

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, some of them are like umm.. like what's happening right now. Or what things would be like and look like if I was still there. "

"Like what would be happening if you were still in the lab?"

" No, some of when I was there. When I was in the UpsideDown. "

" What's the most reoccurring flashback?"

" I've told you."

"Still the one of you and Will?" He asked and I shook my head.

"When you have these flashbacks are they all the same or do you remember them differently each time? Like maybe you remember more or maybe less each time?"

" No, it's usually just the same thing, me looking for Will and finding him appearing to be dead. "

"And that's when you black out?"

" Yeah."

"Do you see them as if it's happening now or do you see your self in 3rd person like a- a movie or something?"

"Umm.. both I think but mostly in third person probably. Like I'm watching myself do it."

"That can be good, that means your mind is trying to modify or make edits to your memories, I know it doesn't seem like it but viewing memories like that can be a way your brain is trying to protect itself.  But it's not always good because your brain has the power to make edits to memories and add things that weren't actually there. You could be making it worse with more details, or you could be taking away details to reduce the emotion you feel. So do you think it's gotten worse? Or better?"

"Umm.. I don't- I dont know?"

"Okay thanks fine, no pressure. Just next time if happens ask yourself if there could be a possibility that while you're recalling that experience if anything could have been dispersed in some way."

"You don't think that's my real memory?" I asked.

"No no, not at all, but for your sake make sure your mind isn't making things harder than it has to be." He nodded and I looked at the ground.
"Well what about these current UpsideDown appearances, what do you see?"

"I see- well.. we'll it feels like.. I-I don't know how to describe it. It's almost like it's not really an appearance of how it would be, but a glimpse of what it is. Like it's not just how I remember it. I don't think even the most photographic memory could remember that much detail. It's almost like I'm still there. But I'm not. I- I can't explain it. I'm sorry." I said.

** After the Doctors Apt **

"See."

" See what?"

" You told him something you never had before. That's another step closer to him helping you. "

"Is he helping Will?" I asked and anger filled her face just at the thought.

" Honey, I know you're right, I just- I remember being a teenager. Feeling like no one understood, like no one cared, like no one was ever there for me. But Will understands, I care, Jonathan cares, you have a lot of people that are always here for you.

"It's not that mom really. It's just all the pretending. Everyone treating me differently everyone treating me like I'm falling glass and at any second I'm just gonna break. "

She didn't say anything. Which was nice. I didn't want her to say anything. I don't even know what she would have said.

** Next Day**

" Hey where were you yesterday?" Billy asked as I walked past his car to get to school. I didn't reply. Not because I was wanting to be rude I just wasn't really paying attention and my brain wasn't really processing the fact that someone was actually speaking to me but instead I was thinking about how my hands don't even burn when I shoot flaming balls of hot energy out of my hands. "Byers." He said and I snapped out of thought. I looked up at him and stopped walking.
"What are you doing?" He asked looking down at my hands. I looked at them and noticed I was scratching the center of my palms. It's what I do when I'm nervous, I have ocd, can't stop thinking, ect. It's kinda like a nervous tic. I don't really notice I'm doing it.

" O-Oh uh sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't know. Sorr- I mean.. yeah I don't know. "

" Where were you yesterday?"

" I had a doctors appointment."

"Are you sick?"

" Describe your definition of sick."

" Do you have a fever? Are you coughing?" He rolled his eyes.

"No and no. "

" Then why were you a-"

" It doesn't matter. " I said and continued walking to the school. He didn't follow. He just continued smoking his cigarette and waited for the bell to ring. I did the same. Just with out the smoking. Instead I was drawing. Drawing what I see when I get those glimpses of the UpsideDown. Not the Demagorgon. Not those weird slugs. But this weird shadow I keep getting quick glimpses of. Never for any more then a few seconds. But just enough to remember what it looked like.