[S t i g m a]
"Deeper, deeper, the
wound just gets deeper.
Like pieces of broken
glass that I can't reverse,
Deeper, it's just the heart
that hurts every day.
You, you was punished
in my stead,
You who were only
delicate and fragile."
Φ
THE continuous sounds of beeping stirred her from her peace, her heavy eyelids refusing to open at her demand. Slowly she shuffled, her hands trying to feel her current surroundings and situation.
Soft-Her fingers felt soft bed sheets whilst her body began to feel the absolute comfortness of the mattress as she shuffled slightly. Smell- The smell of disinfectant and sanitation irritated her senses. The smell was clean- too clean. Sound- she heard the hush chatters and the continuous, yet annoying, beeping from her bedside.
"Oh, she's awake," someone whisper-yelled. The sound of a pen clicking and writing and shuffling was heard.
"Hello, can you hear me?" a gentle voice belonging to a female spoke before she felt her hand being held. "If you can, please squeeze my hand."
Listening, she did what she was instructed to do and squeezed the unknown females hand. The stranger released a relieved sigh which filled the air.
"Hey, my name is Nurse Joyce. Do you know where you are?"
Nurse.
"Yes," she managed to croak in response. It was obvious from the introductory title to know that she was in hospital. The senses of touch, smell and hearing made it clear of her surroundings. She then managed to open her eyes afterwards, though the weight of her eyelids were insane. At first she was blinded by the colour white which caused her to flinch before she fluttered her eyes to adjust to the lighting.
"Do you remember what happened before?" Nurse Joyce pressed.
Yes. She remembered what happened beforehand. She recalled the stigma of blood, sweat and tears that coated her, comforted her and gave her such painful bliss to escape reality. Everyday the wound seemed to get deeper, everyday her mind was shrouded in black fog, everyday she felt her insides ache and churn from the constant reminder of life, and everyday she slowly began to grow fragile and crack like a mirror. In no time, she would shatter and would become nothing more but a memory.
Nurse Joyce interrupted. "Sweetie, can you recall what happened beforehand?" she repeated.
With a pressed and unhappy smile, she nodded, "Yes ma'am." She unlinked her hand from Nurse Joyce, "I can recall." She turned away from the nurse, unable to look into her delicate eyes with her lifelessness. The nurse no longer pressed further questions, instead pulled out her pen and noted whatever on her clipboard.
"Permission for your parents visit?" the nurse asked.
"Yeah," she sighed. Nurse Joyce smiled gently and then proceeded to invite her parents, who entered with tear streak cheeks.
"Oh honey-" her mother sobbed as she rushed and engulfed her in a hug whilst her father remained behind, "what were you thinking?" Pulling away she looked at her with teary but furious eyes.
"How could you be so stupid?" she sniffled in anger, "Why did you do this to yourself?"
Because I can't endure it anymore. She couldn't endure the harsh reality that continued to drown her in tears. She couldn't endure the people who treated her like absolute shit. She couldn't endure the lack of truth and faith she once had but has now vanished. She couldn't endure the merciless pain that followed and attacked.
"I'm sorry." She apologised for the satisfaction of her parents. I'm sorry I feel hurt. I'm sorry that I want to die. I'm sorry that this stigma is growing deep inside.
