feelings

pretend smile

Have you ever just felt so stressed and wanted to just cry for hours and days upon nights and weeks. I ran out of tears and I finally stopped crying so I  act like  I'm laughing or smiling to hide my pain. Why do I have to act like everything. 

Have you lost someone you loved dearly and they call you heartless. Yeah, I know it hits you hard. But in the end you just agree with it, or you try to tell them why you are the way you are. In the end you know no one was listening to you and actually wanting to hear what you said. You know that they just want to believe one side and that is their own. 

You ever know those days that are going great but yet your still upset. People tend to get that way all the time and then act like they are okay. Yet their friends are trying to help them and just finally give up trying to help. 

I feel all of these every second, minute, hour, day, weeks, months, and years.  Yes, I still pretend to act okay, and I've gotten better at hiding what is wrong. I have acted like I'm fine. Maybe I don't do some stuff like I have in the past yes I may still be a bit emotional and get mad enough that I cry. Yes, I have broke down and had mental break downs in front of everyone, and they try to comfort me. But in the end all I see are a lot of fakes, people that don't know what I really feel. People who have no clue about my past, the ones who just want to know the drama to use it against you, the ones who just want to know your secrets. The one's that want to be your best friends but eventually turn on you and act like they did nothing to everyone else. The ones who turn and talk crud on you but you have the proof that they did it, or even started it. You have the flashbacks that hurt you in the past the memories that tore you down day by day. The demons that you can hear over everyone. They one's you tend to listen to the most, those that know you are listening. 

But when do we listen to the angel? Never, I'm guessing because the demons are stronger.  We have became a fallen angle and cannot pick our selves back up from what has happened. You have been corrupted. You let them win and you didn't keep fighting, you let yourself be taken over. You just let yourself fall into their trap knowing this would happen. You knew that you where leading an army of angles and you let every single one drop, you knew you could of done something to save each one and you didn't. You knew you had time to turn around and surrender. You knew you could of let the devil win and get what they wanted, but you didn't and you kept fighting staying selfish. You didn't care what would happen to anyone else as long as you where okay. But you lost your friends bc you didn't give up, they let you fall on your own, they realized the demons had won a long time ago and gave up. They quit after they saw your battle wounds.