Suicide Help

Slipped away

This time last year I got life-changing news. I was super excited about that chapter of my life to happen. My nerves were all over the place. Would he be happy? would we get married? Those questions rang in my ears as I stared down at the positive test. At first, I was a little worried but I knew I could do it.  

I tried to keep my nerves in control to keep the secret till the time was right. Tears filled my eyes as I touched my belly. There was a baby inside and I thought of how to tell the father. He was working a lot and when we talked about having kids he seemed so happy with the idea. 

Little bit by little bit my baby began to grow. I smiled more and more each day. My ex would come home and blow up on me. he said I was worthless and a burden. Silently I cried at night and when he would go to work I talked to my baby.  Thoughts danced in my head as I took in the way he treated me. Was I prepared to be a single mother? Should I tell him about the baby just yet? As the days went on he grew more angry and abusive. He would hit me and throw me down. I feared for my baby. A month later I said goodbye to the little life inside me. All the stress and abuse had cost me the bundle of joy I was already head over heels about. 

After losing the baby I took a trip to see family. They asked me what was wrong and I broke. I cried to them about the abuse and the fear I held in my heart. My family was there for me in my time of need. I cried until I wanted to die. How could someone I loved so hard just treat me like trash like that?  I left him that day. He called and texted me all day and tried to get me to come home. So I did everything I could do to hide the pain and the need to die. A month passed and I decided he needed to know. So I called him and sobbed out that he lost a child. He just sat there quietly and then asked if he could see me. No matter what he said I knew he would blame me and I didn't deserve that. 

My family helped me get my stuff out and start over. The pain still kills me a year later. Now my baby watches over me and I wish so bad to join him or her. The older I get the more I fear I will never get to experience the joy of holding my baby in my arms again.  I have endometriosis and I struggle with depression and I feel like I am being punished. Somedays I hold the keychain of my angel wings and sob. Why me? What did I do wrong to deserve the feeling of losing my baby?  

If you've had a miscarriage or stillborn, my heart goes out to you. No mother should have to go through this pain. I guess I wasn't meant to have a happy little family.