For the love of the game

Chapter 9 // sleepovers

We drive towards guisados in silence.  My brother is sitting next to me probably wanting to ask me a million questions.

"You ok Alex, like really ok." I'm not ok. I can't even have a guy touch me without me freaking out. People don't like me at school because I'm the girl who cried rape. And my parents died hating me so no I'm not ok. I could never let them know it though. These are my problems I need to deal with.

"Yes guys I'm ok, I just got claustrophobic that's it." It wasn't a total lie being in small rooms make me freak out but that's a story for another day.

"Are you sure because we don't have to go I can just text cody and tell him tha-." I cut him off

"I'm fine Jason just drop it" I say it a little harsher than I meant to but it still shut him up.  I wasn't going to skip dinner just because I'm being a big baby. This means a lot to my brother.

We arrive at the restaurant and get out of the car. I see cody leaning on his car smiling at something on his phone. I keep my head down as we walk up to him. "You guys ready to go in?" He asked

My siblings answer so I don't have to. I'm trying not to be a buzzkill maybe I'll order a drink tonight instead of eating.

We go in and are seated at a booth. The restaurant it's self is pretty nice. They've got low lighting and a bar in the center of it all. I'll be visiting that later.

A waiter comes over and we are handed menus and drink requests. I take a water while everyone else gets some sort of soda.

I look through the menu acting like I'm interested in anything when really all I want is to drink. I order a salad. Cody and Jason order big plates of tacos while Jordan orders chicken strips.

"Not very hungry?" I'm snapped out of my thoughts and find two green eyes staring back at me. I almost get lost in them. Almost.

" no not really." I continue to look down nervous by the way he's looking at me.

"That's a shame I heard they have really good desert here." I look back up to him. I may not like to eat a lot but chocolate cake is my weakness.

"Maybe I'll be feeling a little hungry later who knows."  I sip on my water and then look out the window. The sun has already set but I can still see the reflection of the water.  Sometimes I feel like just walking out to the water and not coming back.

When our food comes everyone starts digging in while I move my fork around in it hoping no one notices. I look up to get a drink of my water and find cody staring at me. I'm held in his gaze I want to look away but I can't. I hear someone clear their throat. 

My brothers looking at both of us with humor in his face. "If you guys are gonna make out or something please don't do it here. Ya know, some people are trying to eat." He says with a smirk. I look back down embarrassed that I let myself do that. I can't get involved with another guy I'm not ready for that.

"I'll be back." I say and stand up.

"Where you going Alex?" Everyone looks at me.

"I'm just going to get a drink I'll be fine to drive trust me."

Before I'm by the bar I here my little sister asking cody if he can drive us home. I feel horrible because I am a horrible person. Once again I'm putting myself before them. I don't turn and go back.

"Hey can I get a vodka soda?" I ask flashing the bartender my fake I.D. I don't use it a lot. Sometimes if I have time I like to slip away and get a drink. It's the only thing that takes the pain away even if it is just temporary. The bartender looks at my i.d and then looks back at me. He gives it back and goes to make my drink.