Our Untold Stories

May 26th

My finger came up so slowly as I went to press apartment 4K's buzzer.

I've made love to Leo Lovell every night for the past month, and afterward, I've cried silently in the bathroom about Zara-Elise Lovell. No matter the issues we've inquired in the past almost year... I love her. I was- well I thought I was in love with her but reality slapped me fast, and I realized I couldn't have her, and my love has begun to return to simple satisfaction with this situation and content with loving her as a person. We lost our close connection, due to some things I myself caused, and I will always own up to that... But just when things were becoming better than they were left off... She got hurt.

I will care about her unconditionally forever and ever... So I cry about her every night as I pray she will sit up in the hospital bed. I cry for many other reasons as well. I cry because every time Leo goes to the hospital, I go... But he doesn't go enough. If it was up to me? We'd go every day, because I want to be there when she wakes up. I want to be the first one she sees when her eyes open. I cry because things are not how I thought they would be. Zara has her own family to worry about, and I am a least common denominator. One would call me selfish for feeling this, but I'm human. It hurts to know her life has progressed how it has, and I'm still stuck on a stupid crush that went way too far. I cry... Most of all... Because that night that I fell in love with her... She called me Deena.

I harbor my feelings, but when I'm alone, my heart breaks over and over again. I despise her, Deena that is. She will be the one Zara looks for when she wakes up. She will be the one Zara will go home with after she wakes up. She will be the one Zara continues her life with and she will be the one Zara will probably end off her life being married to. She posses the chance to live the life I wanted with Zara.

I won't say I've been giving the short end of the stick, because I've honestly just been given a whole new stick... Leo is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, just as well as the worst. When I don't want to think about Zara... He makes love to me like no other. We have fun together like we did when we were younger. We laugh, we talk, he cooks, I eat, we fuck. We've been happy together, and we're moving at a pace that I like... But he's not who I planned my life out with... He's not the one I pictured waking up to...

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem waking up to his beautiful face, but I planned to wake up to hers.

Some mornings, I cry, because when I spend the night at his house? I wake up in sheets that aren't mine, with another body in the bed that is not mine. I look over, still lost in my dreams of her sometimes, and I see him instead. That hits my heart hard, and then I yell at myself for not remembering how I'm trying to train myself. "I will love Leo, I am not in love with Zara-Elise" I tell myself.

I have not been caught by Leo crying not once, and I am glad, because I wouldn't know how else to explain but the truth coming out would have to happen at that point. How do you tell a man who has confessed his extensive love for you that you are confusing and frustrating yourself because you are truly trying to convince yourself you are not in love with his sister? How do you go from making love to a man to holding his hand and explaining your jealousy of his sister's wife and family? How do you tell anyone?

And that is why I cry to myself, and why my tears come out so hard... Because I can speak to no one, no one will understand.

The bell rang and my heart beat so fast I could swear it was coming out of my chest. "Who is it?" I heard through the luxurious condo's intercom.

"H-hey Dee... It's Tonya... Could I come up? I feel like we sh-should talk..."

The buzzer sounded, indicating I could come up... And my stomach fell.

Why was I even here? What did I even have to say...