Boy. 17. Lost.
Aaron is at his last year in high school when he sees his reflection in the mirror and cries. His whole life is a mess, with him always fighting with his thoughts. Depression has always been in his bloodstream, with dark clouds circl...
He rubs his face, feels the sweat, the heat of his palm. The room is serene, and he could hear water dripping from the tap, but inside, he heard rainfall ; rainfall of Near's tears; colorless tears, dropping and disappearing.
He is silent, scared to let this out. He crunches the bread slowly, and picks up the bag and ; for the first time, sets off to school without telling anybody, slamming the door so loud it urges him to do it again, so he opens the door and slams it hard. Opens it, and slams it hard. He does it again and again, until Mrs. Reeves calls from the kitchen. ''AARON?? IS THAT YOU??''. Aaron finally shuts it slowly, and places his head on the door and stays there, taking in the vibration that remains, into his head, like if it could stop the rainfall inside.
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Aaron grips the handle of the main door and stays like this. Two more minutes like this and Trevis, his classmate, pushes him aside, his eyes saying a confused 'Wtf' , which Aaron ignores.
The lunchbreak. Aaron realizes that the entire gang took a leave today due to some of them being knocked off by the weed last day, and he barely expects Neha to be present. He is sipping his milk pack when he chokes upon seeing her.
Irina.
The only surviving member, sober and smiling.
Both their eyes meet and Irina is waving at Aaron, calling him to sit with her. Aaron grabs his tray and goes round Irina to sit beside her, but sits facing her instead.
'' Hi you! Where have you been lately? Don't see you around, much'' , Irina says, biting her fries and slightly pushing the bowl for Aaron to take them too.
'' I uh... am covering my dues for the lessons. Exam's near, you know?''
''Hmmn. Only if the gang understood. Last afternoon they smoked up at Neha's . I'm ignoring them all for today. Really...my god'', with mouthful of fries, she could hardly swallow, expressing her disappointment.
'' Hmmn''. Aaron cracks a quick smile, knowing Irina trusted him enough not to be with them yesterday.
'' Aaron...''.
And there is it. The serious tone. Aaron expected this, expected this once within the life span of his but not now, never now. Eyes on her tray, heads titled down, dipping that one single fry into the mayo again and again, and think, think think: think in silence. Not now. Please.
'' ...like...I was thinking about this again...and tell me this honestly.''
''Sh-sure....''.
'' Do you have a crush on me?''
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They are at the Glacier National Park. It's a clear day; no clouds, the sun dazzling as ever. No living things seen from miles away. Aaron and Irina are hiking, side by side. The hiking gets tough as he goes up, and Aaron has to apply force to the ax to make it stick to the rock. He feels light, even though the equipment he carries feels heavier than him. With each breath, they ascend together, their hiking suit often touching each other. This is it; through the difficulties in life, they will still ascend ; together. Suddenly Irina's ax slips and she loses contact with the rock, and is about to fall when Aaron holds her hand and pulls her up. He finds support on a narrow opening of the rock and can pull Irina just in time. His foot finds another opening and he is ready and stable to pull Irina up, just when her hand slips from his. He didn't even get to touch her fingertips, and now she falls 6000 feet under, carrying his gloves which slipped from his hands and caused the fall. Irina shouts 'AAARRRRRROOOOOooonnnnnn.....' , and then complete silence. He looks at his now-naked hand, on which is written, with pink glittering letters, 'She won't know it'.
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''Aaron? AARON!'' , Irina snaps at him while he snaps out of his dream.
Aaron gasps, looks around.
'' What's up with you? You still haven't answered me''.
Aaron closes his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief. He looks around again, and when he sees nobody familiar, he finally speaks.
''Irina... I have feelings for you that I cannot tell or...cannot express. It's not love-at-first-sight...it's not like I love you out of the blue but....I want you to exist. I want you to...exist in my life. I know you won't understand how important you are but...I need you.''
Eyes. He saw her eyes. The round iris, a pool of black. They say when you combine all the colors in the world, you get black, and Aaron saw it too. All the colors hidden there, but it's still black, mass black all around, nothing else. It's there, and she doesn't know it.
''Yea well...you have to tell me something new, cuz you said the same thing last week'', Irina says, her face imposing Aaron for an answer, '' but you're not making things clear, Aaron. If you feel something for me, just say it. If you don't, then you'll not have another chance again to say that. Play your cards properly''.
Without looking at Aaron's eyes, Irina grabs her bag and slings it to her arm as she leaves the canteen, leaving Aaron digging his face deep into his cupped hands. He has dug his own grave, played with fire, and rolled the dice. Everything is a possibility in his life, now. His emotions twist and turn, twirl and whirl; flowing but never fixed. They evolve, they nullify; they grow and keep on growing. It's something big, and heavy, and it constantly hits his chest like a boomerang : comes back, hits; comes back, hits again. It's there ; tied to his tongues, entangled with his throat, but he just cannot find the words.
Life.
Aesthetic.
Eyes.
Lips.
Rosy cheeks.
Perfectly-shaped nose.
All he could find are the descriptions of her.
He empties the bowl and takes the tray, throwing it to the thrash and as he is about to pick his bag up, he notices her staring at him.
Not Irina.
Neha Mallik.
She is within the arm of Malcolm as he talks to some of his junior friends and teammates. She glances at Aaron, then looks away, and glances again, her eyes heavy with words ; words that will remain unspoken, unheard. She finally locks her eyes on his, and they stay locked for a long time.
Seconds.
Minutes.
Yesterday, for them, just seemed like a figment of imagination.
