If Not For You(Sequel to IML)

{28} - All That Remains

At noon the next day it was determined that her bleeding had let up enough for Bethany to be released. The drive back to the apartment was silent. At the apartment Bethany went straight to the bedroom. If Sebastian had been thinking he would have had someone come clean up a bit. He tried to stop her, but he was too late. She stopped just in the doorway. Red was all she saw. The bed, blankets, sheets, all of it, red. She brought her hand to mouth and choked back a sob. And then she frantically began tearing the blankets and sheets of the bed. She had to get rid them. She didn't want to see them. Sebastian stayed in the kitchen, trying desperately not to fall apart. He couldn't. Bethany needed him.
Bethany brought the sheets out and stuffed them into the trash can. They would buy new ones. She was crying. Sebastian grabbed her arm and gently pulled her into his chest. She cried until she ran out of tears then she pulled away from him and sat down on the couch. She held one of the pillows to her chest and got lost in thought. She still ached all over and the doctor had told her that it would take awhile for her body to adjust to the loss of the baby. Sebastian could see the pain in her eyes. 

———

     Sebastian didn't know what to do with himself. He'd scrubbed the mattress and gotten most of blood out, the blankets were in the dryer, as unstained as they would be until further notice and Bethany was still sitting exactly where she'd been earlier. Sebastian had been handling his emotions well, until he looked through the mail he'd grabbed when they first got home. There was an amazon package. Medium size, blue and white envelope. Without thinking he'd opened it and pulled out a baby onesie. White, with the words Daddy's little rockstar written on it and a guitar beside them. It was as if all the air had been knocked from his lungs. Not wanting Bethany to see him breaking he went to the bathroom and locked the door. He splashed cold water on his face and took deep breaths and made a mental list of things that had to be done. Anything to keep his mind off the baby. He gripped the counter and stared at his reflection. There were dark bags under his bloodshot eyes and his hair was standing at funny angles, dried blood holding it in place. A shower took the top spot on his mental list. He took longer in the shower than he meant to. He watched the water turn pink from the blood in his hair and on his arm. He was on the verge of a panic attack. He knew that, but he was hoping if he ignored it it would go away. Stupid.
    When he got out of the shower Stephanie was on the couch with Bethany, holding her close and carding her fingers through Bethany's hair. Bethany was crying, hands fisting Stephanie's cardigan. Sebastian stepped up behind the couch and Stephanie held up her hand that wasn't in Bethany's hair. Sebastian took it and Stephanie squeezed, tears collected in her eyes. Sebastian swallowed the lump in his throat and bit his tongue to keep from crying.

———

Stephanie cleaned up the kitchen and helped Sebastian pull the bed back together. Then she made dinner for them before leaving, with promises of being there at any time should either of them need anything. Bethany sat on the couch, not moving, not crying. Just staring blankly at the front door, her fists clenched in her lap. She stood abruptly and rushed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Sebastian heard the lock click and then Bethany screamed and there was a crash, no doubt she had knocked everything off the counter. She screamed again, sounding so broken, followed by another crash.

———
When it got quiet Sebastian tried coaxing her out, but she didn't respond so he took her seat on the couch and put his head in his hands. He didn't know how long he sat there, but he only moved when there was a knock on the door. He stood. He was shaky. Exhaustion, lack of food and anxiety was a bad combination. He answered the door to a pissed Remington. Remington's expression changed from anger to concern almost as soon as he saw Sebastian.
"I've been trying to get ahold of you for hours. We're supposed be having a writing session right now." He said, anger tinged the edges of his voice. Sebastian didn't answer just grabbed Remington and pulled him into a hug. Remington stiffened, not expecting a hug. "Seb? You okay?"
"Lost the-the baby." Sebastian's voice cracked as he said it.
"Fuck." Remington breathed out, holding onto Sebastian tightly, "I'm so sorry."
"Bumblebee is-she's just-" he gestured at the locked bathroom door "-and I-I-"." He pulled away from Remington and raked his fingers through his hair. "Fuck." He said again and then lost the minimal contents of his stomach into the trash can. His chest felt tight and breathing was getting difficult. "She-oh my gosh-Remington! I have to-" he grabbed the counter with one hand and grabbed at his chest with the other, "Have to-Bumblebee!" Remington stared at his older brother with wide eyes. He'd never seen Sebastian like this. He'd helped Emerson through panic attacks and both of them had helped Remington, but neither of them had ever had to help Sebastian. Sebastian was always calm and collected. He kept his emotions in check. He was strong and resilient. But you can only put so much pressure on the dam before it breaks. Proud. He was too proud to admit he needed help.
"Seb. Seb, I need you to take a deep breath. Come on. In and out." Sebastian looked up at him and grabbed Remington's arms.
"I don't-don't know-Bethany-I ca-I can't breathe."
"Sebastian, look at me." Sebastain met his little brother's eyes. "You can't help her if you don't calm down. Come on, work with me. In and out." Sebastian eventually regulated his breathing and found himself in Remington's embrace again.

———

Bethany sat on the floor in the bathroom, surrounded by bottles of hair and fence products. She knew she was on the verge of passing out. With blurry vision and shaking hands she opened her phone and called the one person she knew she could always count on.
"Peanut?" She sobbed into her hand, "Peanut, are you okay?"
"I l-lost the ba-Baby!" She sobbed.
"Oh, Peanut, I'm so sorry." She continued to cry.
"Ca-can't br-"
"Hey, hey, take deep breaths. Listen to me. Find something to keep your eyes on. Deep breaths. In and out." She moved her gaze around trying to find something to focus on. Finally settling on her fingers, the chipped silver polish and bandaids around her knuckles. "Peanut?"
"It hurts, Panda. It hurts so much." She was trying to take deep breaths, but she was still crying.
Eventually she stopped crying and sat there feeling numb. Andy talked to her the entire time.
"Peanut?" He asked softly. She hummed in response, "is there anything you need? Anything at all?"
"No. I don't-not right now." She sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

———

The apartment looked no different than when she had locked herself in the bathroom except that Remington was sitting on the couch and Sebastian was nowhere to be seen. When the door opened Remington looked up and when he saw her he bolted off the couch and pulled her into a hug.
"I'm so sorry, B." If Bethany had had anymore tears she would have cried. Instead she clutched his shirt in both hands and closed her eyes tightly. Hoping that when she opened them this would all go away.
"Wh-where's Sebster?" She asked softly, voice cracking.
"Sleeping. He-" Remington cut himself off.
"What?" Bethany asked, concern lacing her voice and covering her face.
"He had a panic attack. He was exhausted and I convinced him to go to bed once he was sure you were still conscious." Bethany nodded.
"'Kay. Think 'm gonna go to bed too." Although she kind of wanted a shower she needed sleep more. Remington nodded.
"I'm gonna go. But you call me or text me if you need anything. At all. Either of you. Please."
"We will." She buried her face in his chest and hugged him tight. He kissed her forehead and held her just as tight.

———

    When Remington left Bethany went into the bedroom. Sebastian was facing away from the door. The blankets had been thrown on the the bed messily and he was lying on top of them. Assuming he was asleep Bethany carefully crawled onto bed. After a few minutes of silence she heard him sniff and realized he was crying. It hit her in that moment, she wasn't the only one who'd lost a baby. It had been his baby too. He was hurting as much as she was. Hesitantly she reached out and wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself against his back.

———

     It broke Bethany more to hear Sebastian trying to suppress his sobs, to feel him shaking in her arms. She cried with him. They lay there together grieving a child they would never meet, a baby they could never hold. A part of them had been ripped away. They were drowning in the pain of what could have been. Struggling to keep their heads above the water. Just a few hours ago the future had held uncertainty, but a kind of uncertainty they were looking forward too. Now it held nothing more than heartache and the knowledge that there was nothing they could've done to prevent this. The harsh reality that they couldn't protect their baby tore them apart. And all that remained was pain.