Letters In My Head

Year 02

Wish I could go back to year 02, where things were much simpler for both me and you, the stories written amongst these clouds are silenced now and the trees wave them away in a rush to move them.

Year 02, simple and sweet, nothing really hurt me. I didn't know of self harm and I didn't know of suicide, my biggest struggle was learning how to ride my bike, maybe how to dance on the ice.

But time surely can be cruel, people really hurt too. I didn't think it was possible to cry so hard but I was dragged around and people brought my hopes up to then make them come crashing down, now I'm fucking careful who I let in, careful who I stay around. My best friend has become my bed, and depression has fucked with my head.

Then came the assaults, hands all over my body, there's not a part that has not been touched, from 13 to 16, staring at skirts, tearing them apart, the police blamed me for someone else's part, but I couldn't stop that.

Panic attack. He looked at you. Scream in a corner you're not worthy. Fall down, fall down and now there's a hand holding my weight down and I can't get up from broken knees and loud insecure screams that torment my head every night before I go to bed and in the morning I'm immediately filled with dread, but no one knows that, I'm pretty quiet, I don't think anyone else needs to know what keeps me up and throws me to the floor at whatever chance it gets, people deserve better.

Now my therapist is sitting across from me with tears in her eyes, there's notes scribbled down as tears hit the ground but nothing really happens. She has to excuse herself oh god you've broke her. Silly girl I told you not to open up to her, she isn't going to listen. Silly girl you're not worthy of life. Stop. Bite your nails, flick your band. Don't let the voices overcrowd. I'm not going away, I'm here to remind you everyday just how worthless you've become. Now I'm suddenly shouting "stop please stop!" My heads so full of noises. I can't take it and the therapist has come back saying she doesn't know what to make of it as I beg the voices to quieten down whilst hiding underneath the table because the hands are out to get me and I am defenceless.

A ghost face in front of my own, screaming all of the words from everyone's mouths, picking at the information, too much sound. Read, maybe read a book no that won't work. That book is way better then you will ever be and you can't write or get rid of me, cry, cry, scream. Get away. You're not worthy of love. No one can love you, you're too much. See that guy, the one you love so much? He'll find someone better, in fact maybe she's already around. Hah, that's right better to leave before you get left, because you're nothing more then second best. Smile.

Breathe.
Please breathe, wait how did I get into this hospital bed?
What happened was you realised you'd be better off dead, no one really cares, you have nobody around but there are sorrowful eyes around me but I am blinded by the voices in my head and I honestly have no answers to why, how did it get this bad?