Letters In My Head

Honestly

Honestly, I haven't been doing so well, I get up for work and do what I need to do, I make people smile and laugh because I know that a memory like that is priceless and worth more then anything else really in this world, I know that people struggle and I know that people are struggling right now at this very moment and I will always tell them to keep their head up and send them messages to check up on them when they've been quiet, I always give people a reason to keep going when I myself don't see much value in life, I go about my day and I try my best to ignore the rainclouds, but I always end up listening too closely to the rain, and I do this alone until something inside of me breaks and even then I wont reach out for help, not because I don't want it but because other people need it and sometimes even though I am screaming inside my own head it goes ignored alot.

People call me and message when things are going wrong, when they have no where to turn but I always know what to say to solve the issue to reassure them that they're okay. Theres nothing really that anyone can do anymore, i'm just going through the motions living for everyone but myself not wanting to even live at all, christmas is on it's way also but it doesn't feel festive, theres not much light anymore but I will still wrap up the gifts with a bow and a fancy tag because I know it will make someone smile even if I am sobbing whilst taping those delicate corners down and writing on the tags with a silver pen because I like how it shimmers against the brown paper.

I will continue to write people letters and cards to give them something permanent to look at when they are sad, when they feel like the worlds collapsing to give them that little bit more strength to go on about their day. Even if I am pouring my heart out whilst hiding the dark parts behind pretty stickers and ribbon. Because I cry, I cry alot but I wont let people see that because that means i've got to be vulnerable and that is too much for me because my feelings seem to be fatal to some and misunderstood by many.

I always loose direction, but I can never allow someone to be a compass, I have no idea where I am heading and I am lost and I have been quiet for a while, kind of breaking in silence especially in the early hours of the morning when the world is cold and dark, and it's wet outside as the rain hits the floor just like my tears hit my legs when I am sat on my own in the corner debating whether or not its worth sticking around for.

People will say you'll be okay, stay strong but I don't think they understand the difficulty of going on and it's not that I am ungreatful for their help because I really am and I hope they're doing okay but it's like like nothing really is happening when the world is at a standstill, but thats because it still spins for them, the days go on because they have that little bit more strength when people say they care, even if those people are falling apart they still stick around, but I feel like a failiure for being unable to respond or return calls because i've been asleep all day and that gets tiring because I am honestly just trying to function like a person instead of a machine on auto pilot because things around me they don't feel real, but no one seems to be understanding.

So if I am hiding away in my headphones and I am distancing away from everyone around me please don't take it personally. I am just honestly struggling and I try to ignore it and act like its not there but it is getting progressively more difficult to do so.