Nouvelle Vie (AM 2)

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"HOW are you today, Sunny?" Cindy, a friend, asked me

I shrugged my shoulders and turned my face to the window "Same as the last time you saw me."

"The nightmares?"

"They still haunt me every night. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, out of breath, and terrified. Last night, I dreamt of the sound of a crying baby. I also dreamt about a pregnant lady, she was covered in blood and yelling at me that I killed her baby." I shivered at the thought. My heart begins to beat rapidly.

Mabilis akong tumayo at naglakad sa bintana. Nagsisimula na naman akong makaramdam ng kaba. My anxiety is slowly creeping inside me. I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself.

"Just breathe." Cindy was behind me, rubbing my back.

"How long do I have to suffer? It's been three years since I woke up from coma, but I haven't made any progress. I can't remember anything. I can't remember me." I said, frustrated

"When are you going to see your therapist?" she asked

"Should I still see my therapist?" I chuckled sarcastically "I don't think it's helping me"

"They said, to be able to get your memories back, you have to trigger it or something like that"

"What do you mean?" my forehead creased

"Maybe a picture, smell, or a place?" She took my hand and looked at me in the eyes "Maybe it's time for you to go back to the Philippines. Maybe if you try to go back to the place where the accident happened, you'll remember something."

"You think so?"

She shrugged her shoulders "We never know. It won't hurt to try"

UMUPO ako sa bench na palagi kong inuupuan tuwing hapon. Somehow, the sunset calms down the chaos inside my head. My anxiety just fades away every time I watch the sun goes down. Mas hinila ko pa ang shawl na nasa balikat ko dahil lumalamig na ang simoy ng hangin.

Handa na ba akong bumalik sa lugar kung saan nawala ang ala-ala ko? Handa na ba akong ungkatin ang nakaraan at tuklasin ang pagkatao ko?

I've always wanted to bring my memories back. I've been trying so hard to remember my past, but nothing would help. Kahit na anong gawin ko, kahit na madalas kong i-meet ang aking Psychiatrist ay wala pa ring pagbabago sa akin. Hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong maalala.

Siguro nga oras na para balikan ko ang lugar kung saan nangyari ang lahat. Ang sabi ni Mommy ay dito raw muna ako sa Italy hanggang wala pa akong maalala para mas masiguro na kompleto ang mga kailangan ko. Na mas mapabilis ang paggaling ko.

"Hey, you're here again." A familiar voice brought me back to now

I gave him a small smile "Just thinking about something"

"What about?" He sat next to me

"I want to stop suffering." I sighed

He took my hand in his "You know I'm always here"

Simula pa lang nasa tabi ko na si Ash. Siya palagi ang nasa tabi ko pag kailangan ko ng makakapitan. Siya ang tumatahan sa akin sa tuwing inaatake ako ng anxiety. At simula pa lang ay nagpakita na siya ng motibo. He was clear with me the very first day. He told me that he likes me and he's willing to wait until I'm ready, pero bakit ganoon? Sa tagal na naming magkasama ay kahit kailan wala akong naramdaman sa kaniya kundi pagmamahal bilang isang kaibigan lang. I never saw him as a special someone. Kahit na nadiyan siya sa tabi ko ay hindi niya natatakpan ang kalungkutang nararamdaman ko.

"Wanna go on a date?" He jokingly winked at me

I shook my head "Maybe next time. I'm not in the mood."

"It's okay" he smiled and kissed the back of my hand "I'm always here for you. I'm willing to wait no matter how long it will take me."

"Why me?" I took my hand back "You deserve someone better, Ash. Someone who is not broken. Someone who can love you unconditionally."

"Because I love you." he answered calmly "I loved you then. I love you still. Always have. No matter how broken you are I will still love you. Nothing can change that."

"But. I-i don't love you. I don't feel anything for y-"

"Just try, please. Try." He almost begged 

"You're just wasting your time on me, Ash. How can I love you, if I don't even know how to love myself?" I could feel the raging waves inside me "Pano ako magmamahal kung hindi ko kilala ang sarili ko? Paano kita mamahalin kung pakiramdam ko kulang ako. It's been three years, but until now I still feel like I'm just floating through life. Without meaning. Without a purpose. And I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to feel something else. I want to find myself and fill the holes in my heart and make me feel less hollow inside."

"Isn't that what I have been doing these past years? I've been trying to make you feel love and less broken. I always try to make you feel loved and important." He said sadly

I looked at him apologetically "Yes, but it isn't enough. Maybe I don't need it from you. Maybe I have to find myself and my happiness on my own. I'm sorry for wasting your time, but the only love I can give you is the love of a friend."

He stood and left without a word. He was clear to me the very first day, but so was I. How can I love someone if I don't feel whole? How can I love someone if I don't even know myself.

Maybe Cindy was right. Maybe it's time for me to go back to where everything happened. Masyado na akong naghintay ng matagal para sa tamang panahon, siguro dapat ko ng gawin ang matagal ko ng dapat ginawa. I should face my biggest fear. I have to fight my own demons.