(not edited ;))
(requested)
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I lay further back into the sweetness of my bed, and I wrap myself in blankets. I feel so depressed to the point where I'm not sure if it really is actual temperature which is affecting my body or just how numb I truly feel.
There are many days like this where I just stay in bed, try my best not to move, and try to fall asleep. I don't talk to anyone about this kind of stuff in fear that I'd lose all my friends since something similar happened before, time and time again.
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I let all my thoughts rush to my head and overwhelm me. I flash back to a past memory of my former friend, Adam, hitting me in class. I became his friend for who knows why, and I ended up developing a crush on him.
I shouldn't of liked him at all because of how he treated me, very toxic, I don't even think he know's how toxic he is. He didn't like me, and would try to get me to hang out with his other friends. He would torture me a lot, and I would just shrug it off, blinded by love.
I went to his house a few times, we'd just sit on chairs and watch the computer. He'd end up kicking me off the chair though and I'd flinch every time he goes near me. His mother didn't like me, she thought I was too sexual.
Adam hid this to himself for a while until I got some new friends, who didn't treat me any better in all honesty. My new friends, India and Kaylie, they were my best friends and I thought we were gonna be friends forever.
India and Kaylie was my friends for a while, and I ended up telling them lots of my secrets. I opened myself up to them completely, as they did with me, but then they started to get some new friends.
I didn't mind their new friends but when they started lying about me to them, that's when I knew I should cut off ties. I did cut them off from my life but unfortunately, I had devoted everything to them, losing all of my other friendships and just depending on them.
Kaylie and India had mentally hurt me, making me very upset and using all they could to take me down from the inside. They knew how I felt and just decided to go and make that all worst, I honestly couldn't believe it, but I guess all of them are the same.
Adam hurt me physically, leaving lots of bruises and little scrapes on my body, making me so scared whenever someone would go to touch me. It's a huge problem I have now, and I just wanna leave all of this behind even though I know that it's not gonna be that easy.
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But, away from all of that, I still also have a very bad life at home.
Both of my parents are in a way disabled, my mother has back problems, and my dad is high off his mind and drinking almost all of the time. My parents didn't love each other when they made me, they just wanted a kid that'd hopefully end all their relationship problems.
4 years before the making of me, my parents had actually made my brother! His name, from what I know, Is Sam. He's my older brother, and I really wish I could've met him but unfortunately the world didn't want me to. He died whilst my mother was giving birth, the doctors never found out how. I never knew him but I still end up missing him a lot and wishing badly that he was here with me.
My parents and I lived in a house with my grandparents for a while, before they finally figured something out, that something.. Leaving me.. I never wanted it, neither did they, but they unfortunately had nothing for me.
I was left at an orphanage, but I ran away, If I couldn't have my family then I didn't want any family! I was so stupid to of done that, but without it, I never would of moved here? To be honest, that's not exactly in any way a kind of pro.
At least, moving here, I was able to make a non-toxic and healthy relationship with a very close friend to mine. I still however am trying to open up, just lying to him currently. One time he accidentally brushed his leg against me and I fell off the couch.
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As you can see, I am very.. Upside down..
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I have cut before, starting off with little grazes from rocks and then eventually moving to pencil sharpener blades. It just made me feel something, even when I felt so numb. I'm not lying or making anything up when I say that I was clawing my skin to bleed while I was asleep.
I had lots of cuts actually, lots being scars, but others still draw blood. It pains my arms whenever I take showers, so I just try to do nothing and stay in bed as to not smell. I know it's not exactly the best thing to do, but I just hate showers so much.
With showering, I'm forced to hurt my arms, I'm forced to look at all the cuts and scars and bruises and all of the pain of what I used and am still going through to this very day, and I'm forced to have to look at the rest of my body.
I've been told lots of negative things, to of which I started to believe, I was told though when I was younger to never believe these types of people, but if I was to never believe anyone of which tells me lies then how am I to ever make any friends?
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(Part 1, this was just mostly explaining all of your problems)
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YOU ARE READING
-SANDER SIDES- X Reader ONESHOTS
Fanfic[completed] - My name is Anarchy, please only use that name when referring to me (I don't care what my name is in the book, I don't go by that anymore) and I also use they/them pronouns now which I would also want you to refer to me by.
