The Ramblings of INP (Updated Whenever I have Something New)

Gone, But Not

Have you ever lost someone close to you or have you ever seen someone going through the process of death? Most people have not, but I have not once, but three times. When I was seven years old, I watched my grandfather slowly lose his life. Then at twenty-one, I lost my nineteen-year-old cousin and watched him fight for his life and lose. At twenty-two, I lost another cousin the same age as me. Death can be so tragic with its icy claws, like life is just a game that a crane machine can pick up. Everyone has a time and a date just like a ticket. It always leaves shock, pain, and despair to family and friends. March 30, 2004 was the night that changed everything for me. It wasn't the dark, cloudy rainy night that you hear about in most scary stories. From what I remember, it was a calm quiet night...peace reigning through the apartment as everyone was preparing for a big move. My grandfather was outside taking the trash out as I was waiting in the house for him with excitement. As soon as my grandfather stepped back into our apartment, his pupils grew wider. I watched him curiously as he started leaning forward, eventually crashing down against the wall. I panicked as I tried to get him back up on his feet. Trying to hand him a broom to help and support him as I yelled for my mother and grandmother. He eventually started choking as this yellowish foam started to come out of his mouth. In the mist of everything, the ambulance was called by my grandmother. The last time I saw my grandfather, he was struggling to breathe. Years later I would be in the same position again, this time, watching my cousin Bill, fight for his life. The last time I saw my cousin Bill, up and moving, was the night before he got hit by a car. His unique goofball charms had changed in his last days. He was struggling, much like myself, to find his way and place in. Life had been a wild, chaotic roll coaster for him and yet, some days, he was able to smile bright like a diamond. I didn't see him get hit, but I was there for the aftermath. He spent a week in the hospital fighting a hard-fought battle until he was eventually declared brain dead. Every day, we went looking for information like mice looking for scraps. The last time I saw him, physically, it felt like an eerie goodbye. My family and I had walked into his silent room with hope that he would come around. We stood around the cold heartless room as we talk to him and asked about his progress. My mother walked closer to him, letting him know we love him and then the strangest thing happened. I couldn't believe my eyes, my cousin that was hooked up to a bunch of machines, lifted himself up and moved his head. That would be the last time I would ever see him move again. Sometimes we take our meetings for granted...we never know when the last time we see someone will truly actually be the last time. The last time I saw my cousin, Christian, was back in August at his mother's housewarming party. He was telling everyone goodbye on his way out. Though we were two different people, we bonded as children. Our mothers referred to us as twins because we were born the same year and we came out looking similar. Through the years, we had our adventures and conversations. Sometimes it's the little stuff people miss that will always last forever. The night I found out that Christian passed, following a motorcycle accident, I was devastated, and the memories started flowing in like a river. It was hard to believe, and I couldn't help not to believe it. Even when I was staring down at his corpse in his coffin, I couldn't believe it. The person in the coffin didn't look like my cousin. The person in there was so tiny, and had too much makeup on. It was like looking at a completely different person. I couldn't even fathom my childhood partner in crime was dead and gone. I guess sometimes life is a cage and at some point, everyone gets freed. Life and death go hand and hand like most people think of Batman and Robin, salt and pepper. They both come on to us like a vacuum that sucks up dirt, taking and putting people in our lives. Death is like an unavoidable net...it falls on everyone, some earlier than others. My love ones are gone but their memories will carry on like soldiers going into war. Their heart and their fire still live on through the ashes.