Near at Heart

CHAPTER 4

Halos isang buwan na ang nakalipas matapos ang outing na iyon. Isang buwan na rin na hindi naming pinapansin si kuya, at ganun din siya. Nalulungkot nalang ako kapag naiisip ko yung mga asaran at kulitan namin noon. Hinihintay namin ni ate na i-approach kami ni kuya and lalambingin niya kami like what he usally do everytime nag alit kami sa kanya or nagtatampo, but then walang sorry at lambing ang nanggaling kay kuya. Pinanindigan din nito ang hindi pagpansin samin. Nauuna siyang nagbebreakfast at malimit na rin siyang sumabay sa amin tuwing dinner. Napapansin naman nila lolo at lola pati sina daddy ang sudden changes ni kuya. Madalas din nila kaming tanungin ni ate kung anong nangyari at kung may problema daw ba ito pero natatahimik nalang kami ni ate at sinasabing hindi naming alam. But knowing our family? I know that theyre not convinced bout our answers. Alam kong napapansin na rin nila ang gap sa aming tatlo but they are just waiting for us to spill it.

Kilala na ng buong angkan ng Yu at Fonseca ang girlfriend nito. Walang naging against sa relasyon nila, tanging kami lang dalawa ni ate ngunit hindi yun alam ng pamilya namin. Hanggat maaari ay ayaw na namin na malaman nila ang tungkol sa pagtutol namin. They all likes the girl even out parents, so kung sasabihin namin ito nang dahil lang sa ayaw namin sa babae ay alam namin na kami rin ang magiging kawawa. Its a selfish reason, and we know that.

Mahigit isang buwan na rin ang lumipas when I met Genne. And with that, we began flirting with each other. Yes! We just are just flirting, no commitments. We often exchange messages and having video call. Hes a sweet type of guy, he loves teasing me. And he admitted that he admire my beauty. Maging ako ay nagwagwapuhan rin naman sa kanya. But I always hold back. Hangga't maaari ay ayokong mahulog ulit. Ayokong magmahal ulit. Sapat na itong set up namin ngayon ni Genne. Ayoko muna ng commitment lalo na kung ang layo ng pagitan namin sa isat isa. Andun pa rin kasi yung takot na baka lokohin niya ako at ipagpalit sa iba, or baka pampalipas oras lang niya ako dahil ang totoo ay may girlfriend siya sa California. I can see how nice he is but still I cant give him my trust.

"Just a fling? What if bigla ka nalang mahulog sa kanya pinsan?" tanong sakin ni Dennise. Isa sa mga pinsan kong babae na hindi nalalayo ang edad sakin. She was 19 years old. Nakwento ko sa kanya ang tungkol sa amin ni Genne at nasabi ko rin ang takot ko na magmahal muli dahil sa past ko.

I shrugged at her, "bakit naman ako mahuhulog kung kaya kong pigilan couz?" I asked back. Tama naman diba? As long as kaya mong pigilan yung sarili at puso mo ay hindi ka mahuhulog sa isang tao.

"I dont think so. Kailanman ay hindi mapipigilan ang pusong gustong magmahal." Makahulugang sambit nito. Ngumiti naman ako sa kanya ng malungkot.

"But I wont fall in love with him. Not in a million way" I said directly which made her looked at me in my eyes.

"Its easy to spill what your mind says, but is it also what your heart speaks?" she said looking at me. Napatigil ako sa sinabi niya. Para bang narinig ko ang puso ko na sumang-ayon sa sinabi nito. Iniwas ko nalang ang tingin ko sa kanya at tumingin sa malayo.

"Its not that Im forcing you to love again, Sammie. I just you to know that you should've feel afraid to fall in love again for the second time around. Masarap magmahal Sammie lalo na kung alam mong mahal ka rin nito. Yes, I get it that youre afraid also to take risk because of the distance and for the thought that he might as well hurt you just like what your ex-lover did, pero Sammie bakit hindi mo subukang magtake risk? Malay mo seryoso nga talaga siya sayo diba? And to tell you, hindi bat pareho din kayo ng napagdaanan sa nakaraang lovelife niyo? But it doesnt mean na tulad mo ay puro laro nalang ang alam nito dahil sa takot rin siya." Mahabang wika ni dennise sakin.

Bigla ko namang naalala yung naging usapan naming ni Genne sa video call noon. He mentioned his ex-lover and yung ginawa nito sa kanya. He said that the girl cheated and worst is pinagsabay-sabay niya silang apat. I can see anger in his eyes while he was sharing me those. Anger and hatred. Thats what I saw as we talked about the girl in the past. Pero tama kaya si Dennise na hindi ko siya katulad na naging instant heartbreaker na simula nung masaktan ako? What if laro lang to para sa kany? What if he was just playing with my feelings too just like what I did to other guys before? But then why is it that my heart contradicts on whaat my mind was thinking. Para bang sinasabi nito na dpat kong bigyan ng chance ang lalaking yun para patunayan na totoo ang nararamdaman niya, sinasabi nitong dapat ko siyang pagkatiwalaan, and it says too that I should not be afraid to love that person. Urgh! I dont know what to do. Its really hard if the heart and the mind contradicts to each other.

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Mabilis na lumipas ang panahon, limang buwan na ang nagdaan mula sa unang tapak ng mga paa ko dito sa pilipinas. Limang buwan rin na natiis ni kuya ang hindi kami pansinin at kausapin na labis naming ikinalungkot ni ate, at umalis ito pabalik sa California na hindi man lang kami kinakausap. Alam na din nila daddy ang dahilan ng alitan namin nila kuya. Syempre, nasermonan kami na kesyo daw matanda na si kuya at alam na nito ang tama at mali tsaka hayaan nalang daw naming siya sa kung saan siya masama. They even told us to support him and his relationship. Wala naman daw silang nakikitang mali kay Haelee para tumutol sap ag-iibigan nila. Sabi pa nila ay baka nagseselos lang kami ni ate dahil nasanay kami na sa amin lang ang atensyon ni kuya. Nakipagbati kami kay kuya matapos kaming kausapin ng pamilya namin noon but then talagang matigas siya at hindi niya kami pinansin. We also asked forgiveness to Haelee. Now, we are still trying ourselves to treat her as our sister too dahil alam naman namin na hindi na magbabago ang desisyon ni kuya na pakasalan siya.

Sa limang buwan rin ay pilit kong pinipigilan ang puso ko na mahulog kay Genne. Aminado ako na mayroon na akong kaunting nararamdaman sa kanya pero ayokong tanggapin ito. Ayokong hayaang lumalim pa ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi pa ako handing sumugal. Dahil alam ko na sa huli ay ako rin ang kawawa, na ako na naman ang mawawasak.

Malalim na ang gabi and I think it was 10 oclock in the evening already which is 7 am in California. As usual I opened my messenger app and read those unread messages. But a part of me is somewhat searching for a name. Agad kong iwinaksi ang namumuo sa isip ko. No, Sammie! Hold back. Wag mong hayaan na mahulog ka. I was about to turn-off my phone when I received a message from him. It was a sweet message actually saying how much he was happy that he met me. and how he missed me. We never exchanged I love yous nor I miss you kaya naman nagulat ako sa message niya. Surprisingly, I found myself typing questions to him.

"Why are you being like this to me? We both know that you arent really serious about us, about this set up we have." I said and I saw that he seened it. I was waiting for his reply but received no one. No message but a call. I quickly answered it.

"Baby" he said in his cold manly voice which makes ladies go crazy once they heard it.

"You didnt answered my question Devvion." I said again with confusion. I just heard him sighs before talking.

"I am serious about this baby. I am serious about us." He seriously said. Yes, hindi ko siya nakikita but I can feel how really serious he is.

"Why, Devvion? We are aware that were just flirting with each other. Ano ba ako sayo? Ano bang tingin mo sa akin?" sandaling nagkaroon ng katahimikan sa kabilang linya ngunit agad din naman itong nagsalita.

"Yes, It was just a pure fling back then. But I never thought that I would fall deeply in love with you. You are my favorite person." I can feel a familiar feelings I felt in my stomach the moment I heard his confession. I was shocked, afraid, happy. Nagkahalo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko sa narinig ko. Gulat dahil sa pag-amin niya, takot nab aka bigla akong bumigay at tuluyang tanggapin na nahuhulog na rin ako, at saya dahil totoo ang nararamdaman niya sakin. But still, parang may pumipigil. My inner conscience is telling me that he will just inflict pain on me. Gusto kong sumigaw dahil sobra akong naguguluhan. I didnt know what to believe. I just sighed and was about to say something when I was caught off-guard by the words he just said.

"What about you, Amethyst? Who am I really to you?"

Who am I really to you?

Who am I really to you?

Who am I really to you?

Why cant I answer his basic question? Sino nga ba siya sa akin?