Rules // Bang Chan x Reader ♡

XIV.

Soft lips on mine. Eyes wide open. Heart beating faster than usual. Heartache. 

Haruto is a good friend. You did what you had to do, y/n. You did well.

This is the first time I'm kissing Haruto and it makes me feel sad the fact that it has to be like this. It makes me feel sad knowing this is probably the last time I am kissing someone ever. I try to close my eyes while he's kissing me. He's a good kisser yet my body can't help but feel weak. I mean, its not the same feeling as before. I felt weak under Chan's  stare, of course I did. But I felt weak for love. Weak for the way he looked at me and weak for his dimples. Weak for his hard work and for his laugh. Now I feel weakhearted. I feel like my happiness is and will be all gone. And I don't think I'll be able to get through this. 

Haruto separated from me and my lips felt the emptiness. My whole body did. Chris was standing there and I could see the pain in his eyes. I almost fainted right there. 

-"So, what now?"-- Haruto whispered and I looked at him. His eyes had a worried expression and I hated it. I hated that he had to do this and I hated that I always used people because I didn't know how to manage my problems all alone. 

-"Yeah. So, what now?"-- Chris walked towards me and looked at Haruto. 

-"Chris.."-- I wanted to apologize. I wanted to explain everything to him. I wanted him to understand that it was impossible for us to be together. But most importantly, I wanted to stay with him. 

-"No. It's okay. It's okay."-- He kept repeating those two words and it seemed like he was trying to convice himself.  "You didn't say you loved me back, did you?" He looked right into my eyes and shook his head. "It's okay." I stood there, silent. All I was able to hear was my heartbeat and I am pretty sure Haruto could listen to it as well because he held my hand. "Take care of her, mate." He then left and I started to cry. I needed to let it all out. 

I understood that was the last time I would see him. The last time I would see his bright eyes and his endless sweetness. The last time I would hear his accent and the last time he would look at me. The last time I would feel truly happy. 

-"Uh. Thank you for this, Haruto." -- I turned to face him and gave him a small smile. 

-"Are you okay?"-- He touched my shoulder and I nodded.

-"I need to go. Thank you."-- I kissed his cheek and ran.

I needed to get out of this nightmare. I ran down the street and memories started to come to my mind. The karaoke night, his duality in the alley, his warm hug on that rainy night. I shook my head. I wanted to scream. Was all of this really happening to me? 

I opened my bag and looked for my keys. Sian told me she would be waiting for me at her house so I could pack all my stuff and take the plane with my dad at 5pm. This meant I would have to walk down the corridors of the airport one more time. One last time. 

I opened the door and I saw Sian. She was apparently waiting for me. 

-"Hello."-- Her voice filled the entire house. 

-"Hello."-- I answered while looking down. "I am going to pack my things. Give me a minute." My voice was shaky. Sian just nodded.

I went through my old room and avoided looking at the pictures hanging on the walls. I didn't feel strong enough to look at them. I packed all my clothes and took my polaroid. I took a picture of the big avenue that could be seen through my window. The picture came out of the camera and I looked at it.

A big city for a fragile girl. 

Even through that picture, I could feel Seoul. I could feel its magic. Seoul is the city that never sleeps. You could hear children laughing all over it, people walking around and enjoying life to no end. I loved Seoul. I couldn't blame a wonderful city of my terrible destiny and after all, I spent the happiest moments of my life here. I fell in love with its people, food, culture and places. There is something in its air that makes you feel powerful and weak at the same time. 

When Sian and I first met, we talked about how bad we wanted to live together in Seoul. We would plan our future together and talk for hours about it.

Sian would say:   "I am definitely moving there."  And I would laugh and simply say: "There where you are is where I want to be."

I smiled remembering the good old days.

 I took the polaroid and wrote my favourite quote.  

If your dreams don't scare you they aren't big enough. 

Someone very smart told me this once. Someone who isn't part of my life now, but definitely someone whose presence made me happy once. Someone who made me fight for who I am just to take advantage of me. That someone was my best friend but now she's just a stranger to me. I sighed and saved the polaroid inside my pocket. I looked outside the window once more. My bags were ready but my mind wasn't. 

-"I am ready."-- I got out of the room to meet Sian. She nodded once again and I looked at my now ex best friend with sad eyes. 

-"There's a taxi outside waiting for you. Your father is at the airport. Sorry I had to do this, but remember that you made me do it. Bye y/n, take care." -- Sian didn't look at me while speaking. I wanted to believe that she was feeling truly sorry after all. I wanted to believe that there was guilt in her heart. I wanted to believe she was my best friend above all so I stood there. My feet weren't moving. I wasn't ready to leave Seoul yet. Not now, not ever. I wanted to stay. I wanted her to tell me that she was sorry and that I could stay with her. I wanted her to show me more videos, wanted to see her debut. I wanted her to forget her bag so I could go to the jyp building and meet him once again, but that was the past. 

A big silence replaced now her voice. I took my things and left.

I thought about going to Haruto's house and I thought of telling Chris the truth. Nothing could be done now. No one could save me from this.

I forced myself to enter the taxi instead of running away.

-"To the airport, please"

I looked through the window and I cried. Seems like my compass was indeed broken. 

-

hi there! it's been such a long time since i do not update my story! but there you go! i hope you enjoyed this chapter! this was such an emotional chapter for me to write so i hope you truly like it! 

also: you can't imagine how happy your comments and support make me and ive been thinking about sharing my twitter with you guys so we could become friends! what do you think?

as always, thank you for reading this story.

i love you all!

until next time,

marina xx