Have you ever had this build up of anger and pain in your chest at the same time?
Because that's how I felt today.
I wanted to just leave to another dimension where I was just by myself with nobody to have to deal with, nobody to argue with and nobody to make me feel like shit.
And even now with my eyes filled with tears, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying but I don't care because it's the truth.
The truth. It's all I ever believe in. You want to know something I will tell you the truth. Because if I don't tell the truth I break down.
And having someone lie straight to your face is just shitty.
Having to experience the same thing over and over again hurts.
And I'll never get used to the feeling even though I should.
The only person ever there for me just goes and does the same thing and it happens every fucking time.
Sometimes I wonder how that person would feel if I just died right in front of them, because whenever they hurt me I want to die.
In the end, I am sick and tired of people saying I'm in the wrong.
Just try living my life for a day and see how fucked up your emotions because.
Having to look a certain way.
Having to achieve a certain way.
Having to sit alone in an enclosed room for 18 hours of the day.
Having to keep everything to myself.
Having to be picked on continuously.
Having to be called anorexic any time I go to the bathroom for more than a minute.
Not having any help.
Having to do everything on my own.
To have to be the odd one out in the group.
To have to assume why people dislike me.
To have to force myself not to just jump infront of the train I get on everyday.
To cry at night, every night, silently.
To have to pretend as though I'm not hurt when people compare me to others to make me look useless and a piece of shit.
Having to actually work for things.
I am not handed things on a platter, which is what most people think.
I am in so much pain I force myself to smile and get on with life but I know I can't do it any longer.
I tell my mum every morning that I want to just get hit by a car and she doesn't give a flying fuck.
This summer approaching me needs to prove that I can be happy and if it doesn't I know that I will just end it all, for real this time and I don't care what anyone says because they could've said it a long time ago.
