it's so weird to look back on this book and see how much i've gone through and changed.
I always assumed i had it as bad as it could be, if only i could've predicted the future.
i guess i haven't realised how many people i never needed through the years. well i suppose i needed them to get through that stage of my life. i started that school being friends with almost everyone in my class and now i've just gotten that number down to 2. 2 people that i can count on whenever i need them. it's hard to realise that someone you expected to be with you for life decides that they're superior, but i suppose that's all they're told on the daily.
if i could go back to last year and change everything i would. hell, maybe i wouldn't be in the state i'm in now.
it's hard when you go to hospital expecting to be told something minor but instead you're told there's a high chance of you having something that can kill you.
it's hard to know that i probably won't last much longer but i'm grateful for the life i've had.
it's weird knowing that with a global pandemic and a deadly virus going around i'm not concerned about it at all, i'm only concerned about the fact that i could be gone any day and i don't feel as though i made the most of the years i've had. 5303 days i've lived so far. it doesn't seem a lot.
i've accepted my fate and i want to just make the most of what i have left. i don't have time for certain individuals but there's always one that i've waited for.
i hate the fact that i haven't been able to tell anyone apart from those 2 people. they're the only ones i trust with that knowledge.
i wish i would've stuck to my ambitions instead of just quitting on them. i wish i would've fought harder when she sent me the abusive messages over instagram.
i just hope that if they find out what's wrong with me, they'll realise they should've left me alone.
i feel as though i'll never have a or meet my soulmate. maybe i already have? but i doubt it. there's no hope for me in that area anyway.
i guess it's weird for me to write in this book again. i feel like whenever i do i'm just attacked for it. but people never knew who or what i was talking about. they just assumed it was about them. little did they know, i've been battling myself for all these years.
i've been numb for a while. i don't really like to admit to my feelings or emotions. i used to do it all the time so easily but there's no point.
i always kind of guessed there was something wrong with me, i just never knew how to speak up about it.
i'm scared.
i've never been this scared.
i just don't know what to do.
