after you left |ai|

5

I don't know how you do it, how you still stick in my head even though I've tried to avoid all memories I have with you. How you still ruin my mood without even being around. I'm sitting at the bar with a whiskey in my hand while I watch my sister dance with my friends and my new friend make even more friends. But I can't even get my own feet to move. Her babysitter came with her. He's sitting at the far end of the bar, trying to get as far away from me as possible. He already downed a tequila shot or two in the first half hour. Ordered a beer a little after but he hasn't moved yet. He's been sitting there, fighting his own demons and darkness.

He's trying to drink them away, he's trying to forget about his darkness by putting alcohol into his blood.

I wish I could too. Just have a few good moments, a smile on my face that wasn't faked and a laugh coming out of me that wasn't forced. It's your birthday today and all I want to do is go see you, celebrate the way we did every year since we were kids. Go to the small bowling place a few streets away and play a few games with beers and friends before heading to the italian place to eat your favourite pasta. I wonder if you're doing it again this year with her. I wonder if our mutual friends were invited.

But either you didn't, or they don't care about me. Because I've been keeping my phone close to me, wondering if any of our friends would text me to ask about it. Because I haven't told them yet. I told my friends but you barely talked with them anyway.

You messed up my head and I'm just left broken. Broken into pieces that I can't seem to put together, broken into pieces that might never be put together again.

But for the first time, my broken heart and mind were interested in something different than you. Because for the 7th time, a girl had went over to her babysitter. They chatted shortly and always hugged before they left again. But they never stayed long and he always put on his best fake smile for them. I could see right through that smile, because it was the smile I've been putting on for the past month.

I picked up my glass and walked over to him, he looked up at me, ready to give me his fake smile but it turned into a harsh glare when his eyes landed on mine.

"I thought you were always sober when you went out with your sister." He said as his eyes darted down to my glass shortly. I looked at it and shrugged my shoulders. "You literally promised me you would stay sober when Jackie and your sister would come along but you've been sitting by the bar with whiskey in your hand all night."

"Do I look drunk to you?" I asked him and he raised his eyebrow but his face was so harsh. He wasn't up for any jokes. "Okay so have you also noticed that it has been the same glass all night? While you have already had two tequila shots and this is your second or third beer?" I asked him back a little harsh and his glare faded, his face became unreadable. He blocked me out.

"Just leave me alone."

"Are you a drug dealer?" I asked bluntly before getting comfortable on the chair beside him. He almost chocked on his beer while he looked at me wide eyed.

"What the hell?" He almost yelled into my face but he kept his voice down, knowing he couldn't just do that without ruining the night for Jackie and Amber.

"You have people coming over to you all the time, you chat with them for a minute and then you hug them and they're gone. So Ashton, are you a drug dealer?" I said and he just stared at me, unsure of my words and he forgot to block me out for a second. The darkness in his eyes was so present that I almost was too scared to look at him. I'm used to darkness, but his was different. It made me terrified.

But then suddenly, the scary part washed away. The darkness still present but with a bright side when he started laughing, he laughed at me and my question. It was an honest laugh with a real smile on his face once the laugh faded. The dark guy suddenly turned a lot brighter, less scary and happier.

Because I asked something dumb as hell.

For just a second, I smiled too. Just the smallest upward movement of the corner of my lips but it could be considered as a smile. I made the scary, dark boy laugh and that deserved a smile. But I couldn't give more than that without having to force it. That was all I had to give today because unlike him, the darkness in me never even faded slightly. The feeling of pain never disappeared and I was still the broken girl.

"I'm not a drugdealer." He finally said but he looked at me in the same way that I looked at people. Trying to figure them out without having to communicate with them. I learned to do it for the kids in class but I never let go of it after work hours.

It's what you hated the most about me. You hated the way that I knew what you were up to. You hated the way that you could never lie to me and you said that all the time. Yet you lied to me for over 6 months, so I guess I wasn't that good. You said 'I love you' without meaning a word of it. It was the thing we argued the most about, you wanted me to stop doing it on you, to stop trying to figure you out but it was a habit. And still I missed the lies you told me, the change in attitude and the way you changed along the way too. I missed all of that because every inch of my body was in love with you. And love makes you blind.

"Are you on drugs?" He finally asked me, "Is this what this all is about? Did you come sit here because you thought I had drugs on me?" He asked and it took me a second to remember the converstions I was having with him before I drifted off.

"No, I prefer alcohol over drugs. I don't even know why I'm here." I replied several seconds later. He raised his eyebrow as he looked at me before shrugging his shoulders. My eyes darted to the dancefloor where Jackie was waving us over. "You should go"

"She knows I won't join her, she's asking for you." He replied with a soft smile while his eyes stayed on her. He looked at her differently than he looked at anyone else. A soft smile played on his lips when he was looking at her but his eyes were always filled with worry.

"Why are you acting like her babysitter? She's old enough to make her own decisions." I asked him, it was out before I could even realise what I asked.

"Why are you acting like your sister's babysitter? She's a few years older than Jackie." He asked back. But it was almost as if he snapped. He was rude and glared at me. I knew I was closer to asking about his darkness. I knew I could almost give it a name. Because his darkness was so dark and filled with pain that it interested me. I wanted to learn more about it.

"Because if I let my sister go alone to a party, people take advantage of her. They will try to be friends with her and she will absolutely love them and then get her to buy a few rounds of drinks before dumping her. I'm trying to protect my sister because she has no idea how cruel the world is." I said to him and he seemed to have realised how dumb his question was. I know there are people with Down Syndrome that live a perfect independent life but she probably will never be able to do that. So in a way, his question wasn't that dumb because he doesn't know how bad it is but he can't compare what I'm doing to what he is doing. "What's your excuse? Because if you keep going like this, you'll loose her." I asked him but instead of replying, he picked up his bottle of beer and walked away. He sat back down at the other end and I let out a soft sigh.

I looked over to where he was sitting. His elbows leaning on the counter and his head resting in the palms of his hands. He was hiding his face from everyone.

Something left this boy so broken and damaged that I don't even know if I want to know the full story. I don't think I want to know if his darkness is caused by Jackie's sister.

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