after you left |ai|

22

— Ashton's POV —

It's been a month since I found the video of Sam telling me to move on. It's been a week since the day I saw her take her last breath, felt her last heartbeat and kissed her forehead a last time. But I didn't struggle with that day as much as I did with Olivia's birthday.

I lost Sam the day Olivia was born, the next 30 days were just for me to learn to say goodbye. She was gone that day, not 30 days later.

Little by little I could feel myself starting to heal again. I started enjoying the small things in my life again but there was one thing that never seemed to go easier. The frustration always stayed and the pain never faded when I sat down behind the piano. But I knew this was the most important thing to do if I wanted to move on.

I let my finger tips run over the keys of the piano while I looked at the empty music sheet infront of me. I've been in the studio frequently with the rest of the band but I listen and I play, that's all that I do. I no longer write, I no longer let my mind run free during the writing sessions.

I closed my eyes and just tried to feel the keys that once felt so familiar, on which I wrote the majority of our 4th album that never got released. And all of a sudden, it was like I felt her sitting beside me, our arms barely touching while she learned me the hardest pieces she knew on the piano. Her laugh that filled the room when I tried it and the music we made together. Everything came back in and it felt so real, for a second, I believed that she was still there. I could feel her arm against mine and her shoulder bump into me, I could hear her laugh again and smell her perfume. She was right here beside me when I finally pressed down on the keys again and the second I did, she was gone. She faded right in that second so I opened my eyes and looked beside me at the empty spot.

She was no longer around to hold me or kiss me.

All of a sudden, the notes started to flow out and the paper started to get filled with scribbled notes and half lyrics. It was nothing close to a song but it was something, it was something I wrote again after a year long silence. I kept my mind on silence for a year and there was a lot I wanted to let out. There are a lot of thoughts I kept inside for too long and finally I was allowing the pain to come out, to show to the world.

I placed an empty paper infront of me again and started all over again. It was like I was learning how to write songs all over again. After a year of silence I let my mind run free and it had a lot to say.

I sat behind the piano all night and only realised how long I had been there when the sun started to come up again. I looked at all the papers that were spread out over the top of the piano, tear stains on half of them. I looked at the paper infront of me the longest. The lyrics were mostly finished and the notes were written with it. A small smile came on my face as I read through the lyrics. While every other thing I tried to write during the night was about the pain and about being lost, I found a way out in thisone. I break piece by piece in every single one, but here I get put back together. 

—

"What is so urgent that it couldn't be said at the studio later?" Luke asked when I let him inside. "Did you even sleep at all? You were wearing the same clothes yesterday."

"I didn't. I just needed you for something." I said with a sigh. He followed me to the living room and when he saw all the papers on the piano, he froze a little in his steps.

"Are you writing again?" He asked carefully and when I nodded, he walked over to the piano. "Can I read it?"

"Yeah, that's why I asked you to come." I replied nervously. He sat down behind the piano and read through the lyrics.

"Ashton..." he said softly but he didn't finish his sentence, instead he started playing the slightly unreabable notes and mumbled the lyrics I wrote down. "Did you spend all night writing this?"

I nodded slowly without looking at him. "I just sat down behind the piano after putting Olivia to bed and all of a sudden it was morning." I replied softly before putting my hands in the pockets of my jeans.

I tried to write about the pain of losing Sam, the pain of losing the one woman I loved the most but I ended up writing about someone else. I was further in the process of moving on than I ever dared to admit to myself.

"This isn't about Sam, right?" He asked softly

"It started about Sam, when we had just met and how she pulled me out of my bad days but it soon turned into Elle pulling me out of this." I looked down at my feet while we talked but he could see right through me.

"You're scared of moving on." He whispered and I looked at him, "You're allowed to move on Ash, you're allowed to fall for someone new. I know I've told you that before and you weren't ready yet but this is proof that you are."

"I'm scared she will be a rebound."

"Then go out with someone else, go on a date with a stranger. Just make sure you don't just like her for saving you but that you like her for the person she is."

"How did you do it with Sierra? I know it's not the same but Arzaylea broke you apart. How did you make sure Sierra wasn't a rebound?"

"I made sure I was happy again before I ever went out with her. I made sure my happiness didn't depend on her." He replied and I nodded. He was right.

I needed to be able to find my own happiness, when she isn't around to save me. I can't allow her to be a rebound because that would end up breaking her and I'd hate myself if I let that happen.

—

AshtonIrwin: it's time to rediscover myself while writing music. I'm letting my mind run free again when writing and I hope to show you the result soon x

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AnnmaIrwin: you're doing amazing son x
Lauren_dawkins_: bruh you're looking a bit red
AshtonGlobal: we love you Ashton and can't wait to see where this will bring you music wise.
5SOSGlobal: does that mean we're finally getting new music soon?
JackieEvans: proud of you x

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Tbh, I'm not happy with this chapter but it's more of a filler and to give you a better view in Ashton's head about how he is with music and everything

Should I do a similar chapter for Elle and one of her friends next? If yes, drop me name suggestions for one of her friends or if I should do it with Amber?