after you left |ai|

14

After Ashton stayed until 4am a few nights ago, it has been all I've been able to think about. We talked, cried and laughed all night. Talked about our sadness and hurt until the smallest details, talked about his job and everything that came along with it. He reassured me that I didn't have to worry about hanging out with him. That the hate pages would disappeared soon and the fans would get bored. That it was a good thing I was in no way on social media except for a very well hidden facebook profile. I'm a teacher, I can't have my shit out in the open anyway.

But it seemed to give him some relieve, it was helping him to talk about it after holding it in for so long. He told me how he had no choice but to go on right after she died, that he had to get back in the studio, to finish an album. They did end up not releasing any of it yet, knowing an album needs a tour and he was far from ready for that. So they took a break that was supposed to last 6 months. It's been 10 already. But he has been getting back into music, writing again and playing like before. He's back in the studio and getting his life back on track step by step. Something he was barely able to do the first months after as it brought back too many memories.

We listened to her music too. The music she didn't release but he had it on his phone. He shared his passion of music with the love of his life. I learned a lot about him that I could never have found online.

And I told him about my life, about every single detail. Nothing felt wrong to discus with him and no story was too embarrassing to tell because he always had one just as bad.

At 4am we made a deal, we see each other every thursday night, just the two of us. Either at mine or his place to talk about our week, to talk about our struggles. Because we both realised we needed someone to talk to, someone who didn't know the person we lost. So today it was his turn to provide food.

I had taken my mom's car to go up to his place. I refused to walk all through LA as he lived at the other side of the city. The side with the huge houses and a celebrity crossing the road every 15 minutes. I felt like an intruder while I drove through the streets, I was out of place and didn't belong here. I got weird looks from the people I passed, my mom's old car didn't belong here either.

Relieve washed over me when the gps said I was almost there but that quickly changed in the same wrong feeling like before when I turned onto his driveway. I turned off the car and stared at the big house for several minutes before finally getting out. I put my phone and the keys in my pockets and held the bottle of wine before going to the front door. I couldn't come empty handed which I realised right before leaving so I took a bottle of the wine we drank on Monday with me. He said he liked it and he wasn't drunk so I believed him.

I could see him walking towards me through the glass door with Olivia on his hip and a teddy bear in her arms. "Hi" he said with a small smile when opening the door for me.

"Hey. I didn't really know if I was supposed to bring anything or not so I brought a bottle of wine?" I said while holding it up. "It's the one we had on Monday that you liked."

"You didn't have to." He said before letting me walk into his house. It was huge. "I have to go change Olivia's diaper quickly but the living room is over there so I'll be back in a minute." He added and I nodded before walking over to the living room. Just this room was about the size of my apartment. I smiled when I saw the massive venyl collection against the wall, he had told me that she brought all of it from London to LA and it took them days to unpack. There were many pictures on the wall with her in it and I could hear a dog whining from outside. I looked behind me and both his dogs were standing infront of the window.

"Hey Ashton, can the dogs come inside?" I yelled in the hallway and I got a yes back so I went over to the window and let them in. They were so excited and both came asking me for hugs and pets after jumping around me. I laughed softly while trying to scratch both their heads.