Powerless {A.K.}

41.

Grieving is a process that everyone goes through in one way or another. Some people cry for days while others are completely silent. Some need distractions and some would rather focus purely on the situation in order to get a better grip on the reality of it. I am not one of those people.

I shut down. I always have. When things get rough, I shut down. I hide away from the world and avoid everyone and everything. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I can't even find the strength to cry. I just shut down. My vessel in it's entirety is just a shell as thought my spirit and peace of mind just evaporated into thin air. This did not sit well with Awsten.

Despite my various protests, Awsten refused to give me the peace I thought I needed. When I wanted to be alone, he would find a way to still be in the same room with me, almost as though he was scared to leave me alone in fear of what I would do.

I wasn't that person anymore. I wasn't who I used to be. I didn't feel the same as I used to and I've explained that to everyone but no one hears me. I don't want to be heard, I want to be listened to. I want someone to really listen and process my words. I want someone to fully understand what it means to be me and to see things the way I do.

But no one does. No body thinks what I think. No one. No one sees the world the same way as me, not even in the slightest. I'm learning to accept that.
I'm learning to accept a lot of things actually.

However, I still couldn't find a way to accept the fact that I needed help. I needed Awsten to be near me. Even if he didn't say anything, his presence still somehow made it better. I never had someone who was willing to tolerate as much as he did. He was willing to sit in silence for hours and just grieve with me. It was almost like he understood a small piece of what I was feeling. Powerless.

I had never understood what he meant when he told me he felt this way. I never understood his reasoning  or the way he got through it. That's the thing about feeling powerless. You don't get over it, but you learn to tolerate it. Or at least that's what I have discovered.

It's been 47 days since I lost him. 47 days since I had two heartbeats instead of just one. Now it feels as though I don't even have one. 47 days since the incident. 47 days since my future changed in a way I would've never expected in my entire life. 47 days of grief.

I look over at Awsten and faintly smile. He was asleep at the end of our bed. Our. It still feels weird saying that. It feels even worse looking across the hall at the room that should've been for our son. I haven't went into that room in 47 days. Awsten felt it was best to lock it until I was ready to face it.

I'm not sure if I ever will be ready. Being ready isn't an easy thing to decide. I wasn't ready to fall in love with Awsten but I did. I wasn't ready to get pregnant but I did. I wasn't ready to lose a child but I still did. I was never ready for any of it but I still made it through it all.

Maybe there was a reason I was never prepared for any of it. If I knew what was coming, the adventure wouldn't have been as wonderfully weird as it has been so far. If I knew Awsten was my person, I would've rushed to meet him and I could've messed it all up. If I knew we were supposed to have a kid we could've had one too early. Yes, they could've survived, but we might not have been ready. I have to believe there's a reason.

"I know that face." Awsten mumbles, rubbing his face groggily.

"Oh really?"

"You're thinking. Your nose scrunches up when you focus really hard and your eyebrows poke up." He explains, sitting up, yawning.

"I think I'm ready."

"Are you sure?" His eyes widen.

"I'm ready as I'll ever be." I smile some. He reaches his hand out and I hold it as we walk across the hall. He pulls his keys out of his pocket and finds the right key. It was painted with a cloud on it. We were going to have his room be Disney themed and the clouds from Toy Story seemed like a perfect key idea. I smile some thinking back to the day we painted it.

Awsten unlocks the door and rests his hand on the door handle, looking over at me. His soft mix matched eyes looking deeply into mine. I nod some, squeezing his hand gently. He opens the door and we slowly make our way inside.

We never finished the clouds on the walls. We still had one more wall to do but stopped when it happened. The crib was white, yellow bedding lined it. An animal mobile hung above the end of the crib with various Lion King characters strung from it. The Dalmation plushie laid inside of it, resting against the small white pillow.

"He would've loved it." I say, picking up the Dalmation. I hug it gently, looking around at the rest of the room.

"Definitely." Awsten smiles some, running his hands over the side of the crib. His smile fades the longer he stares.

"I wanted a son. I know I said I wanted a daughter but I've always wanted a son. I wanted a boy first so he could be the protective big brother. I wanted him to be what I couldn't be for my sister. I wanted him to be the brave one." His voice trembled as he gripped the railing.

"Awsten..." I place my hand on his shoulder and he looks over at me, tears developing in his eyes.

"I wanted to be a good dad. I wanted to show our son that fathers could be amazing and stay like they're supposed to. I wanted to show him what real love is. I wanted to fucking badly to have our son know that his parents loved him without a doubt in his mind. We never had that. We both had so many doubts growing up and I wanted to reverse that. I wanted to be a good dad."

"You're going to be a great dad, Awsten. When we are both ready, we'll find a way. I promise." I reassure him and he nods some. I place the Dalmation into the crib before wrapping my arms around Awsten. He hugs back, pulling me into his chest.

"We're going to be good parents someday. For him." He says, kissing the top of my head.

"For Lucas."

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This was a short update. Oofty. I'm sorry I left you guys on such a depressing note last chapter. It took me a while to find motivation again and I've been going through a lot mentally. I hope you all understand. Stay alive, friends.

:)