I'm a non-label gal, upon watching Daniel Howell's vid I really enjoyed the word queer. I can stand by that, it's very non-specific and I like it.
I think, I'll go through my life as myself, no labels attached. (I've said this before) It's funny, me looking back, trying to find myself.
I used to say I was straight...but then I liked a girl o.0
Then I said I was bi, but then boys (at that time) was really putting me off,
So then i said, im NoT inTO boIS, thEY'rE bleh, im probs lesbian. (ofc id think that, new experiences w/ a gal and liking her more than any boy I liked in the past)
Then, after some time, I was like, 'wtf, I'm so confused.'
Confused cuz my feelings aren't certain, they've changed a lot and switched around.
I really wanted to be something that I can explain, I still do, cuz peeps automatically think im bi or gay, which doesn't bother me, but if I make some actual pals, I'd like for them to know my sexuality without confusion.
That's what I used to think. Cuz I thought that's how things had to be.
TBH I'm not comfortable sexually. I don't enjoy talking about sex (especially when it includes me) with anyone but the person I'm having sex with. I don't like it when people KNOW I have sex. I don't like when people think about me having sex, or what i do during sex.
I may make some, "im a top" jokes for fun when the situation is light-hearted and positive...but mainly, nah...I'm not a big fan.
This is why you should talk to your kids about sex often so they aren't closed off and awkward about in the future.
Being closed off about anything dating/sex/relationship-like all your life and then being suddenly thrown out there in the open and out of your comfort zone is very stressful. It was on on me, IK now, thinking back.
That's what I get for dating an open and out girl before I really understood what I was feeling.
Idk If I have anxiety, but I do know that I'm anxious all the time, I know that I'm worried about how I look in the public eye and my family's eyes all the time. And because of that, I feared what I'd say when peeps asked, "wut R u?," cuz I wasn't really sure.
How do you really know? I never thought I would ever date a girl, I've had thoughts of girls before, but it's just curious thoughts, I'm sure straight people think about the opposite gender too.
And BAM I liked a girl, randomly.
And who's to say I'm bi, I've had crushes on boys but I have yet to really experience a man ya know.
But I am attracted, no question.
And If I randomly liked a gal without even knowing I COULD like gals in the first place, whose to say Im not interested in transgender people too. Or the other genders.
WHats a body have to do with my attraction to you? What's your gender gotta do with it? I can see myself liking anyone, but idKNOW if I like EVERY kind of person. cuz IDK. Why would I know?
Dan said it well, "I don't know shit bout shit and neither does anyone else"
"and am I totally gay? no."
I love dan's vid, it's SO GOOD AND RELATABLE.
I feel like, In a way, I was outed before I was ready. And it left me feeling v uncomfortable for a while. I'm still uncomfortable.
But who am I kidding, I'd be uncomfortable regardless if I were dating a girl or boy.
Cuz I just grew up naturally feeling awkward and uncomfortable about dating and shiz anyway.
where was this going?
I don't need a label cuz I don't have one, and It's no one's business who I'm into anyway unless we pals or I'm into u, I'm not gonna display my sexuality everywhere like everyone else does so there's no point in me even needing to search myself for answers that I never would have found.
I wish I knew this back then.
heteronormative world amiright.
I remember when my gf asked me out, the amount of fear I felt. I had suddenly started feeling like I was doing something bad. I had jumped into this situation without a plan and was stuck on making a decision. Should we date or nah. I have this way of thinking where I have unrequited crushes on peeps, like I don't even consider the other party liking me, and I never tried to date my crushes cuz I didn't want to.
Just want to like them without them dating anyone. ya kno.
I did want to date my gf, but I didn't as well, cuz it was a very big deal. normal straight relationships were big deals but a girl dating a girl? no one's seen that in our generation of Campbell peeps, we were gonna get ALL the attention and the thought scared me so much. cuz that's gossip news, and I didn't want peeps to know about us before my own sister knew, I didn't want peeps to know at all. I didn't want the attention.
So I had her keep it a secret, tho she really wanted to tell peeps. thinking back, what an attention whore, consider my feelings please, Im not ready.
Told sis, soon my mom found out on her own which crushed me and left me with bad feels for a while, and since i had taken on the damage of my parents knowing the secret before i was ready to deal with it, I kinda just gave in like "eff it, tell peeps, idgaf anymore."
That was a stressful beginning to my sophomore year. I didn't get negative attention tho(for the most part) I just was uncomfortable.
Thus why I relate to Phil's coming out vid, He too was outed earlier than he wanted by friends who weren't aware that their actions weren't considerate of his feelings. And he didn't get negative feedback.
Can I really relate tho? I was never REALLY outed cuz no one knew what I was.
HEY, DEE's COME OUT AS...NOT HETEROSEXUAL, wOOwoOWOW
Did I ever have a chance to come out? The first person I spoke my sexuality with was my gf so ig that was me properly coming out (privately), and telling my sis and dad would be my 2 other comings out moments.
Blah coming out. I'm glad that things worked out that way tho, I can't imagine just sitting down with fam and friends and saying, "hi, I have something important to share...Im into girls...but im still into boys, so im bi...but im not sure if its limited to just that, oh wutever it don't matter, who needs labels amiright, idk wut I am, im just not straight."
yeesh.
If you're an alien, you gotta not apologize for being an alien. You gotta join w/ the universe and just be.
