The Catalyst | Joanne

Chapter 14

TW: Mental health and self-injurious behaviour

"Why did you hide this from me?" Dianne stood still, eyes fixed on the floor. "Dianne," Joe's voice was louder now, "I need you to tell me why."

She slowly raised her head to look at Joe. Seeing the expression on his face, her breath caught in her throat. Tears began to rise, but she swallowed them down, trying her best to ignore the burning sensation on her ears and the back of her neck.

"I... I... I don't know."

Joe sighed. "I don't understand. You said it was all done. You.... You hadn't mentioned her, and I thought you were finally moving on and.... And now I find out you've been worrying about it and" he paused, trying to get his words in the right order before they came out of his mouth. "I trusted you. I thought we were in a place where you would tell me things like this." He stood up, needing to pace around the room as he spoke. "Was it Alfie?" he asked, "was it Alfie who got in your head and made you hide this from me?"

Dianne shook her head. "No... no, I... I don't know." She was too emotional now to give a full answer.

"Well, then it's me isn't it? If it's not Alfie who got in your head, it's me you don't trust. You thought I'd judge you or whatever and so you hid this behind my back. What were you going to do with it?" he asked, gesturing to the letter with a shaking pointer finger, "hmm?" he stared at her. "Did you actually think you could go out and find her and wave a magic wand? Are you actually that" he paused, stopping himself before he let the word 'stupid' carelessly tumble from his lips, "naïve?"

Dianne pulled her arms tightly around her body. This was a side of Joe she'd never seen before. She didn't like it.

"Maybe, after all that, maybe Alfie was right" Joe said, his voice slightly calmer but still loud. "Maybe I shouldn't have defended you. Maybe I should have listened to him." He sighed, his heart still racing. Looking at the way Dianne was stood, arms protectively around her body, eyes full of unspilt tears, cheeks bright red, he knew he needed space. He wanted to be there for her, wanted to make things better, help her, but at the moment the only thing he felt when he saw her face was resentment.

She deserved to feel like this, he thought angrily. The thought only lasted a moment, but it left a bitter taste in Joe's mouth. It made him feel sick. He needed to stop before he said something he really regretted.

"I need some space" Joe said after a moment's pause. "I'll be upstairs."

Dianne stood completely still as Joe walked past her and made his way out of the room. Once she heard the bedroom door click closed, her tears began to flow. She walked towards the couch and let herself fall, arms coming to rest around her bent legs.

"Why are you so fucking stupid?!" she growled quietly to herself, now full of anger. She had made one mistake too many, pushed this situation one step too far, and now she was alone.

Alone with her angry thoughts.

Alone with her self-loathing.

She knew that what she had done was wrong. Joe had told her how much he trusted her. She had listened, and she had broken it. He was right, she was naïve. Naïve enough and narcissistic enough to believe that she could save someone. Even if it was her they had reached out to, she had nothing to offer them. Not really. The persona she put out online must be misinterpreted somehow, she thought, for people to believe she was anything more than a stupid, immature, money-grabbing...

The wave of panic hit her without warning. Before she could register what she was doing, Dianne's hands were firmly in her hair, pulling at the roots. Her head repeatedly banged against her knee caps until she felt herself getting dizzy.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid."

It became her mantra. A terrifying repetition of the word she hated most in the world.

She wasn't sure how long she had been rocking and whispering when a firm hand pressed against her forehead, pushing her head back, before pulling her into a tight hug.

"Jesus Christ, Dianne" Joe said, breathless. "Oh my God."

He held her, feeling her body shake in his arms. He looked at her, cradled like a child, and watched her face. He wasn't sure if she even knew he was there. There were two large, circular marks on her forehead and red tracks under her eyes where she had been crying. He had come downstairs to talk again, once he had had chance to get his thoughts together and could have a rational conversation. He knew he had completely overreacted, and knew he needed to apologise. As he had got closer to the living room, he had heard the rhythmic sound of someone rocking, a whispered voice saying something over and over again.

As soon as he saw her, bent almost in half on the couch, hands pulling at her hair as she hit herself, he had rushed over to stop her.

Dianne let out a strangled sob, leaning into Joe's body. He rubbed her back gently. "Shh" he whispered, "everything's going to be alright. I'm here. I'm still here."

Dianne nodded but stayed close to his chest. The sound of his heartbeat was comforting. Joe brushed a wild strand of hair back off her forehead and kissed her skin lightly.

"Can... can you tell me what happened?" he asked. "You scared me a little bit, sweetheart. I've never seen you like this before."

Dianne took a shaky breath. "Was panicking" she croaked, "when you left me."

Joe sighed. "I only went upstairs. I'm here, OK? It was just.... It was a silly argument and it got out of hand. I'm sorry for what I said to you. It wasn't fair."

Dianne shrugged. "It was fair. It was all true. I was the one who did a stupid thing" she spat the word out, "I was the one who chose to... to lie to you. You should be angry with me. I'm a bad person. I'm no good for you."

"Hey" Joe said calmly, "why are you saying that?"

"Because I think it's the truth" Dianne whispered.

"No. No. You're not a bad person. Yes, what you did wasn't the best choice, but it's OK. I still trust you. I'll forgive you and we can move on. I just... seeing you like this is terrifying."

Dianne nodded. "Feels terrifying. But it's OK. I'll be OK."

Joe brushed his hand through her hair, holding her close. "Look" he said gently, "I still want to talk about this. But now's not the time. I clearly hit a nerve or something and... I can't do this to you now. Can we just... forget about it? Maybe for a couple of days? I just need to know you're OK first. We need to talk, but not right now. I can wait."

Dianne took in Joe's words. Everything he said sparked fear within her. Waiting sounded terrifying, but she knew Joe was doing this for her. She needed time to heal and recover, time to think. Time to prepare, possibly, for what Joe needed to say.

"Two days" she said quietly, "that's fine." She paused for a moment, looking at Joe. "Joe, I'm sorry. I love you."

Joe rubbed her arm, eyes not quite meeting hers. "I know you do."