the inevitable

*eighteen

i'm in a trance
surrounded by echoes all around.
i'm hyperaware
of the words i type and the message i convey.
in everything i put myself to be,
i can't tell if i am proud of what i've come to learn
with the actions i do and the lessons i teach
there's always an eye behind me
watching, scanning, judging.
when will i start to see who i am?
when will those words come back to me?
overflow my bloodstream
with the rawness of it all.
just like it used to.
like an overplayed song on the radio,
i can't distinguish the words from the lyrics,
for it all just sounds the same.
mindlessly bopping my head,
mouthing the words i don't remember memorizing.
where did i go?
will i come back?
there's an unsettling feeling
in the back of my neck,
for i feel as though she's long gone.
you've altered me
my mind
my actions
it all consists of you
my brain turned slush
at the sound of your voice.
let me build anew.
a world accommodating in who i am and who i'm meant to be.
with you by my side or not.
you will not be the reason of change,
but instead an addition to change.
i will grow for me, and not for you.
for you are just as much growing like me.
grimacing when nobody's looking,
fingers interlocking in the dark.
it's getting sweaty, it's getting genuine
i can hear your laugh from miles away
i can distinguish your smile from any crowd
eyes closed
teeth gleaming
fingertips numb
heart open
just once more