the inevitable

*forty

mindless humming is far from mindless
i shelve and re shelve countless memories
as they dance through my eyes and find their way to my heart.
what control my emotions have over such an analytical part of my body!
i wish i was more mechanical in structure to where feelings were nothing but an exchange of reactions.
fragmented parts of me jut out of the smoothed over floor
i forgot about those.
the pieces i had chipped away as i made room for you.
your absence is getting stronger as of recently.
it dims the room
but i look for the light that shines
as it helps me see the pieces i pick up clearer.
a room full of people but i am not willing and able to find anything of substance.
filling my ears with cacophonous cotton, from where i don't know it's origin.
anything to keep me from thinking a straight and concise thought about you.
remembering you.
but only in the smallest seconds of a song before i skip
but only when your profile pops up in my messages before i exit the app
but only when the show we watched continues to sit incomplete on my list

my head is still trained to look for your car in the parking lot as i drive by
i still look for you.

but i'm starting to forget the reason.

old habits die hard.