A Soldier's Heart

Ma Escapes (Beth)

When I was sixteen, my ma finally got away. She didn't tell anyone. She just went.The last buffer between Pa and me.

I came home from school and she wasn't there. I figured she went grocery shopping or something, but when she wasn't home an hour later I started to worry. I looked to see what I could make for supper so Pa wouldn't have that excuse to be mad at me, and I made a meat loaf and baked potatoes and some corn bread.

When Pa came home he asked where Ma was, and he raised his fist when I said I didn't know. I guess he figured I was telling the truth, because he didn't hit me. He ate his supper real fast, then told Jake, "C'mon. We're going to find her." They took off in the truck while I washed the dishes and tidied the kitchen.

They came back about ten o'clock. Ma wasn't with them. Pa poured a shot of whiskey for him and Jake, and they sat down and polished off the whole bottle.Pa took down his rifle and started cleaning it.

"Might be we'll do some hunting," he said, but his smile was real mean.

I was kind of hiding in the hall, peaking around the door so they wouldn't see me. I didn't want to be caught there when Pa was mad and drinking. And Jake was just as bad. He was twenty-one now, and he acted just like Pa. I stayed out of his way as much as I could.

I snuck upstairs to my bedroom and locked the door, just in case Pa changed his mind about beating me. I opened the window too, so I could get out if I had to. Later I realized that was a bad plan. If Pa had to break the door down and if I wasn't there when he did, he would beat me even worse when I came home. But I was lucky. He didn't even try. I heard him stumbling up the stairs and turned off my light so he would think I was asleep. I heard him go to his bedroom and swear when he knocked something over. A little later Jake tried to open my door. I knew it was him 'cause when he couldn't, he asked, "Are you awake, Beth?" I pretended to be asleep and he went away. I didn't go to sleep though, not for a long, long time.

Of course I slept in and was late for school the next day. Luckily Pa and Jake had gone off to work. Ma usually made their breakfast but that day they must have made their own. I wasn't about to volunteer, either, so they could keep making their own.

When I got to school I had to go to the office to explain why I didn't have a note from my Ma. The principal looked at me funny and I guessed he would try to phone my Ma but it wouldn't do him no good.

When I got to class, Travis gave me a worried look. I didn't want to get in more trouble by talking in class, so I just shook my head. When class was over, I told him my Ma had run off. At least, that's what I thought. I told him Pa and Jake tried to find her last night but didn't.

"Are you going to be all right, Beth?" he asked. "I don't like to think of you living alone with those brutes."

I shrugged. I had survived this long. And anyway, what choice did I have? Somehow I didn't think Travis was ready to run away with me, like he promised back when we were ten.

That night, Pa and Jake went out again, looking for Ma. Pa took his rifle. They came back alone and drank another bottle of whiskey. It went on like that for two weeks.

One night Jake asked Pa if they were going looking again. Pa shook his head. "Ain't no use, Jake. Ain't never goin' to find her now."

Jake went out somewhere alone. Pa sat at the kitchen table, drinking, while I washed the dishes. I heard a kind of sob, and turned around to look at him. I couldn't believe I actually saw a tear in his eye as he sat there, hunched over, holding onto his glass of whiskey like it was his last friend. It probably was, at that.

"She ain't comin' back, Beth. She ain't never comin' back."

It's your own stupid fault, I thought, but I wasn't crazy enough to say it out loud. I just wished she took me with her.