Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

3

I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Instead, every thirty seconds someone was coming up to me and telling me how sorry they were for my loss. I missed my couch. I'd rather be curled up, holding my pillow tightly, and simply forgetting. I couldn't miss this day though. I knew I'd regret it if I did.

This was the first time I had ever been to a funeral. Most people's first funerals were for their grandparents, or some other elderly relative. I was being thrown into the deep end and I could feel myself slowly drowning.

I felt all eyes on me as the service went on. I wasn't sure of how I should be acting. I was expected to cry, wasn't I? Instead, every word spoken about Ashton flowed right through me. Even the things I should have physically felt went by unnoticed. I didn't even know Cass was holding my hand until I glanced down.

I looked up at her. She, just like everyone else, gave me that forced, sympathetic smile. I didn't deserve it. I hadn't cried since I first found out. There was something wrong me. I was a monster and as I sat there I wondered if those surrounding me realize just how empty I was inside.

"Kellin," Cass spoke.

I looked around. More eyes were on me than usual. The minister had stopped speaking and he was watching me too. I missed something important, didn't I?

"You're up," Cass whispered.

Right, I did agree to this, didn't I? When Vic asked me if I wanted to speak at the funeral I nodded along. I hadn't been paying much attention to him. I figured it was what I was supposed to do. I didn't even know what I should say.

I stood and walked up to the podium. My legs felt like jelly. I spent the entire time sitting down wanting to be as far away from the casket as possible, but now I was voluntarily walking towards it. My eyes landed on the giant photo of a smiling Ashton, surrounded in yellow lilies. I looked away quickly.

I turned to face everyone. It wasn't that crowded. I saw Ashton's work friends and some distant relatives. His parents were here. I didn't think they'd show. I was sure it was more of an obligatory appearance than anything else. I glanced at Cass. She nodded for me to go ahead.

What could I say? Was I supposed to tell them what Ashton meant to me? Was I supposed to tell them that I couldn't see my future anymore? I didn't know what to say and I had all these eyes on me, and in a way I could feel Ashton staring at me too, waiting for me to tell everyone something about him. Anything. Yet, nothing come out.

I was letting him down. All I had to do was tell everyone how much I missed him, but instead I felt like I getting swallowed by the Earth, and then suddenly I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even move so I could get myself out of there. My eyes fell on the one person who came close to know what I was feeling.

'Help me,' I thought in my mind as I looked at Vic. He frowned and glanced around before he stood. All eyes were now on him as he came up to me. He blocked my view of the others and looked me in the eye.

"How about we step outside for a minute," he suggested.

Pressure built up inside my head. The air in my lungs was fading as I held my breath, but I nodded. I felt like a failure as Vic led me away from the front and we hurried down the aisle. I was supposed to honor Ashton, but instead I wanted to run away.

When we got outside, I was hit with the warm, fresh air. I gulped it in as I dropped to the gravel covered ground. In and out went the air, but it still wasn't enough. My throat tightened and I began choking on nothing. I closed my eyes as my head spun, and now I was scared because I felt like I was dying.

"Woah, hey, hey, come on. Take a deep breath," Vic spoke.

I shook my head. I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. My eyes were open but I couldn't see him or any of my surroundings.