Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

25

Sometimes I wonder if the world has a plan for all of us. As cliché as it sounded to be contemplating the meaning of life, it was all I had been doing lately. I was having a crisis, but what else was new? Sometimes life seemed so pointless because death could creep up on us at the most unexpected moments, but if death could come so suddenly then life didn't seem so pointless at all. If anything we should make the most of it.

Everything that we experience; the love, the hate, the sadness, the joy, all of it must be for something. That was why people say they've been through a lot and have learnt from it. Our experiences are supposed to make us stronger and be prepared for what comes next, or where we're supposed to end up.

I think of this theory that life has a plan and I get so angry because if my life was something planned then why did I draw the short straw? Why can some people go through life and not experience true anguish and do just fine, but I have to experience what I have? It wasn't fair and I was at a point that I wanted answers. I wanted to know why.

Why was I made to fall in love with someone who was then taken away from me so quickly? What was the point in that? What was I supposed to learn? All it did was ruin me.

Was I supposed to be with Vic all along? Was that the plan that night in the club we met? Perhaps life didn't expect for me to meet Ashton first. What if Ashton dying was life's way of fixing it's plan for me. If that were true, then it was the most horrible choice life has ever made for me. Had I just messed up life's plan again by sending Vic away? Maybe I was simply supposed to be alone.

All these questions and theories were running around in my head until I had to force myself to stop. I would never get a real answer to anything. There probably weren't any answers anyway. I was over-thinking things and slowly losing my mind once again.

I was so tired of being confused about how I felt. I wanted to take control of what was happening to me. I was tired of letting life beat me around, but even with the determination to have control, it was so hard to pick myself up every time something happened.

I lay on the couch, now thinking about how I was back where I was months ago; brooding and not wanting to leave the couch. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be crying my life away again.

Amongst everything though, I couldn't get Vic off my mind. I was so upset over what I read, but as the initial shock wore off, I realized that I was only mad because he never told me. I was so clueless about how everything happened and finding out was such a surprise. I was mad at him for keeping it from me.

I think it was safe to say that I overreacted. It was something I did all the time without meaning to. I didn't think before running my mouth and now I've gone and said something awful, again. Vic was not a bad person. He wasn't a murderer, but I might as well have said he was a killer.

I read the insurance report. I read that the accident was deemed exactly that; an accident. There was dash cam footage and Vic wasn't found at fault. In my head I knew that he hadn't done it on purpose. Of course he didn't. He loved Ashton as much as I did. Still, I couldn't help but think that if Vic wasn't driving then maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

It was just so difficult to put this entire ordeal behind me. I just wanted things to be different. I wanted Ashton to be alive. I missed him so much and especially missed how he could always calm me down and speak rationally to me. If he were here he'd probably tell me I was being an ass and tell me to apologize to Vic.

I knew what I had to do. I had to go to Vic and grovel. I had to apologize, tell him I didn't mean anything I said and that I was just upset. If I was lucky then maybe he would look past this and forgive me. He had to. He always did. He was understanding like that.