Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

13

Weddings were supposed to be a happy experience. It was all about seeing the love of two people being shared and celebrated. I was supposed to be happy for them, but instead all I was doing was sitting there with a mixture of jealousy and longing.

Ryan and Cass looked beautiful standing up at the altar. The wedding was a simple one with a large crowd of most the town, which wasn't a whole lot since it was a small town. It was the setting that put me off the most. We were at the church; the only church in town; the one Ashton's funeral was held in.

I almost didn't show up. Vic came to pick me up, but I sent him away saying I couldn't go. At the time, I really couldn't. The thought of being here made me physically sick, but in the end I told myself to at least try, and now I was here, sitting at the back of the church.

My gaze kept drifting to Vic. He was up the front by Ryan's side. He was his best man. He wasn't supposed to be. This wasn't how it was supposed to be at all. I should have been sitting up the front, watching Ashton stand there next to one of his best friends, looking amazing in a suit.

Hearing Ryan and Cass say 'I do' was bittersweet. In my head I was happy for them, but in my heart I couldn't help but feel saddened because it was Ashton and I who were supposed to be getting married. I'd never get that chance again.

The wedding was almost over and while no one left yet, I just wanted to get out of there. I got up and left the church. On the way out I stole a white rose from one of the bouquets at the end of a pew.

I made up my mind maybe half way through the ceremony that I was going to visit Ashton today. It was a decision that I was going back and forth on. On the one hand, I didn't want to put myself through it. On the other, I knew that it would be easier since I was already here. If I put it off longer then I probably wouldn't even be able to walk through the front gates again.

I had only been to his grave once and that was on the day of the funeral. Even then I stood at the back of the crowd of people and I didn't watch. I was completely zoned out, but I still knew which grave was his and I walked there as if I had done a dozen times before.

As I got closer, I slowed down. I saw his tombstone. I could barely make out the writing until I got a little closer. It was a small tombstone with a silver plaque on it with his name engraved. I actually hadn't seen that on the day. I clearly wasn't paying much attention at all.

I felt so jittery and nervous as I stopped. I stared down at the wilted flowers surrounded the tombstone. Some old, some new. The simple white rose I had seemed like not enough at all. I should have bought him dozens upon dozens of roses to make up for not coming here.

Cemeteries were so morbid. I didn't know where to stand. I didn't want to disrespect anyone or anything. I ended up sitting beside his grave and stared at the tombstone. I sighed deeply. I was all alone and in that moment I think I missed him more than any other moment. I missed talking to him, and being here now was like the best chance I had at communicating with him.

"I'm sorry," I started, "I'm sorry I haven't been here."

At first I felt silly for speaking when no one was there, but then I just started talking and talking as if I were spilling all of my thoughts into a diary.

"So...Cass and Ryan got married today. It was nice, simple...you would have liked it. You've always liked stuff like that... except bad news, Vic stole your spot as best man. I swear you two argued over that spot for months before you finally decided to end it with rock, paper, scissors. God, I wish we could go back to where stupid arguments like that were the worst of our problems.

"Speaking of problems...thanks a lot for leaving me with that wreck of a house. You know I suck at any kind of building or fixing things. Vic's been helping a lot though. And by a lot, I mean he basically does everything, even when I don't want him to. He's kind of annoying sometimes..." I paused. That wasn't true.